Snickering Researchers Warn of New Threat Posed by Updog


Written by: Robert Renfro

Scientists have looked up high and down low, but unfortunately they have been too slow to catch the mysterious Updog.
Photo by Maria Dhilla

According to several extensive reports by a team of scientists stifling laughter, newly acquired experimental data suggests that the potential negative effects of updog in any environment are much larger than had been previously estimated. The researchers credit their findings to a newly created approach which utilizes the heightened computational power of the “Go Ingon” system to recalibrate internal sensors, invert inert power cords, and gain a more accurate measurement of levels of previously undetected updog.

The leader of the group, Jo, warned the masses of the dangers of updog. “High levels of updog, as we now know, can have enormous consequences for everyday life, and yet, many people have never even heard of it. We encourage people to ask as many questions about the nature of updog as possible. I will be happy to answer even the simplest of questions, at absolutely any time, about updog, because it’s such an important issue to me — and really the entire world. You may not know it, but there may be updog in your kitchen. In your bathroom. On your palm. Look down, it may even be on your shirt. This can interfere with a large variety of appliances, causing them to potentially shut down. For this reason, we encourage all people to inform us as soon as they can if their refrigerator is running. From there, we can determine if your home contains potentially hazardous levels of updog.” Jo did not provide a last name during the interview, instead adding “No, you were supposed to ask, ‘Jo who?’ but now it’s ruined. Just forget it.”

Some remain skeptical of these findings, such as Brenton McMillen-Benedict, a longtime science reporter and seven-time international skeeball champion. “Jo and her team have not made their data available to the public. When I asked for the raw data, I was told to give a phone number and wait for a call back explaining how to get it. Instead, I started receiving phone calls asking for various people who I simply don’t know, such as Seymour, Ima, or Hugh — just all sorts of people. I feel sorry for whoever is missing these important calls. The fact that they accidentally switched up the number between myself and this poor confused fellow really speaks to a general lack of discipline. If they had simply double-checked, they wouldn’t have made this mistake, but they couldn’t even take the time to do that. This is not the only time they’ve failed to communicate clearly. From their findings, it’s unclear to me, what updog even is. This brings to mind a question regarding the very definition of the word ‘updog.’”

Although the findings are controversial, researchers consider the question answered and have since moved on to warning of the potential problems that can arise when “gullible” is written on the ceiling.

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