Yes, I Am, in Fact, God.

Written by: Everett Ririe

By Ronald Jameson

Hello mortals, it’s Me: your God. My name was once Ronald Jameson and I was a student like yourself. Unlike yourself, however, I was a highly-gifted philosophy major, and now, I am God. 

My ascension came to pass as I was pondering My personal philosophy of metaphysics. I found that ∀(x in My thoughts)∃(x’ in the physical world with P)⌃∀(¬x⌃¬x’, y)¬P∴◻∄y. Additionally, I am capable of confirming My own existence a priori, but ∃x’ only a posteriori. ∴(◻∃x’IFFxP∵I⊩∃x’)≡(I am God). Deus ex logica. Thank Me for Me.

Let Me put My findings in a way that a simple mortal like you could wrap your feeble mind around: I think, therefore I am. The only proof that you exist is in My sensory perceptions, processed by My mind. Because you exist in My mind, there is a real you capable of being perceived. Because things not in My mind are not perceivable to Me, they have no influence on Me. Therefore, all that exists is that which exists in My mind. By thinking of you, I make you exist. You’re welcome, by the way. 

Does the thought of a fellow student being your creator frighten you? It should. I could cease your existence on a whim, keep your Piazza post eternally unanswered after you randomly tried to start a conversation with Me, or turn your Wolftown bean and cheese burrito into a bees and cheese burrito for foolishly taking Carnap’s side in the Quine-Carnap debate. I would make you implements of My own amusement. Fortunately for you, I have taken multiple ethics courses and have independently come to the profound conclusion that hurting people is bad. 

Instead of tormenting you, I have devoted Myself to resolving all philosophical debates. So far, I have solved each of the following issues trivially: Is it still Theseus’ ship after replacing each component individually? Yes, because I say so. Are there possible worlds? As many as I can think of (exactly 7.823). Does a set of all sets contain itself? Yes (obviously). Does ethical action lead to happiness or are the actions that make you happy the ethical choices? Neither, ethics is suffering. Does life have meaning? Yes: to entertain Me. Is there free will? Yes, but only Mine. Does philosophy even matter? Not anymore, and My Venmo is open for offerings. 

If you have any further questions, I will be holding a Q&A in your prayers. You don’t have to do the whole kneeling-down-and-crossing-your-arms thing, but it amuses Me, so please do. I won’t answer all of your questions, but if you can get Me unbanned from r/philosophy, I might consider it.

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