The End is Near! vs No, It’s Just Acid Reflux.

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Written by: Elise Jonas-Delson


The End is Near!

By Will Parish
Local Hypochondriac

Doctor! O Doctor! Heed my call, for I fear the end is near! On the ninety-second day of this annus horribilis MMXXII, a terrible tragedy hath stricken this flesh prison of mine. A roaring fire crept up from within my inner infernal pit, lighting my chest ablaze! This unostentatious heart of mine hath been dropped into the fiery cauldron of my tumultuous soul. The taste of my own mortality lingers atop my tongue as each cumbrous breath grows closer to my last. As I wither away in my bed, the world drags onward, yet mine descends into the stone cold ground. My crops hath perished, my roses hath wilted, and I shall never witness dawn again.

Hither, dear doctor, absolve me o’ my demons! Put thy mind to the task so this beastly virus is forever slain. For even though ’tis been a good life, I am too young to shuffle off this mortal coil. I have neither reaped the fruits of my laborious toil nor endured the gentle caress of a fellow sentient being.

‘Tis a ghastly plague and I have grown frail. O hallowed one, thy presence lies nearer and nearer. Farewell to this good green Earth, for I shall succumb …


No, It’s Just Acid Reflux.

By Doctor Sue Me, M.D.
Half-awake and Unafraid

Oh, it is Not-So-Good Will back again with a terminal case of the worries. Upon conducting a remote neurological assessment, I have ascertained that you did in fact have the nerve to call me in the middle of the night — not once, but 14 times. Patients? I have far too many. Patience? I have none.

Will, you’re worrying yourself sick coming to rash conclusions like that. Your gut is healthy, but you better stop trusting it now. What is it with the kids these days that makes them think so morbidly? Is it the mobile phones? Oh, it’s got to be those pesky mobile phones. Go out and experience the world! Get lost in the woods, float across the ocean, you know, whatever tickles your fancy. Or maybe the Lord’s house is more your speed? Then you’ve been listening to the wrong organs, because you’ve got nothing but a classic case of the good ‘ole gastroesophageal reflux disease. I’m not preaching to the choir when I say that this news isn’t a difficult pill to swallow, though it might be irritating to stomach. But you should be grateful you’ve got some burn left in your heart. It’s better than having one that is cold and hard.

Now take two Pepcid, and don’t call me in the morning.

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