“Finally, some peace and quiet,” said Mitch McConnell.
Photo by Theo Erickson
Despite a 75-hour Senate filibuster and a bipartisan coalition against it, Congress succeeded in passing a bill banning women from aging. While the majority of male Congress members voted for the bill, 15 male members recused themselves as they “felt uncomfortable and didn’t know what else to do.”
The bill declares that women are no longer allowed “to look older than 30, but like a good 30.” It also implements federal punishments such as jail time and exile for those who are found breaking the law.
“Aging women are gross,” said 42-year-old Representative Matt Gaetz, R-Florida, one of the leading proponents of the bill, alongside male Representatives Mark Alford (R-Missouri), Rick W. Allen (R-Georgia), and Gus M. Bilirakis (R-Florida), all of whom are over the age of 60. “You know, I wanted the bill to make the age limit even younger, but I got out-voted.”
When asked why she voted against party lines on the bill, 50-year old Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Georgia responded, “I can tolerate taking away a woman’s right to have an abortion, I can tolerate taking away a woman’s right to marry another woman, I can even tolerate taking away a woman’s right to use menstrual products, but this is where I put my foot down. Well, this and taking away a woman’s right to guns.”
“I hate to agree with Marjorie Taylor Greene on this aging thing, but this is absolutely ridiculous,” said 56-year-old Representative Becca Balint, D-Vermont. “Also, 30 is literally the youngest you can be in the Senate… How is this gonna work?” 40-year-old Senator and Republican Vice Presidential Candidate JD Vance, R-Ohio, responded “Uhhh…I don’t know how a woman’s body works… Can’t they just hold in the aging, like their period or pee?”
“Can’t we just have one law for ourselves?” asked one male Congressman who wished to remain anonymous in response to the questions. “Women just get so ugly around like 30 I think, so they shouldn’t be allowed to get older than that.”
Despite claiming to be a proponent for women’s rights, soon-to-be 81-yearold President Joe Biden is expected to sign this bill into law in the coming months. A source close to the president reveals Biden is “fully aware that he might be sleeping on the couch for the next few months,” but thinks “it will be worth it when the First Lady looks 30 again.” Current 78-year-old Republican presidential candidate and former president Donald Trump has also expressed support for the bill, calling it “a win for men everywhere,” and that it “could’ve solved some of his problems in his previous marriages.”
“Darn, this is when I really wish we had someone else on the Supreme Court other than the four women who know this is ridiculous,” said 54-year-old Senator Joni Ernst, R-Iowa. “Maybe I shouldn’t have voted in Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch. Oh well.”
The Congressmen who proposed the ban on age recently announced new plans for a bill that bans women from speaking without being spoken to. Also reportedly in the works is a bill that would enact repercussions for women who use a “shrill voice” around a man.
