Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist

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Written by: Erica Rosslee

“Please don’t use whale puns. They don’t like them. It’s not good for them,” said Trump.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow

After pardoning himself for “everything [he had] done ever, even though [he had] done nothing wrong,” Donald J. Trump announced that he is stepping down as President to pursue his dream of becoming a whale psychiatrist.

In his resignation truth on his social media platform, Truth Social, Trump wrote, “Even though I love being PRESIDENT, the whales of America NEED ME MORE. They have SUFFERED the HORRORS of windmills for TOO LONG and need MY HELP to recover. It has been my DREAM since I was a child to be PRESIDENT, and now that I’ve done that TWICE, it is time to follow my other DREAM, which is WHALE PSYCHIATRY.”

A formal press release from the Oval Office explained Trump’s plans in more detail. “Mr. Trump will step down as President once he has been accepted at an American university as a double PhD candidate in marine mammal science and animal behavioral studies. He developed these applications over the past four years between his trials and campaign events and has recently submitted them. While waiting to hear back from schools, the President is carrying out his duties as normal, preparing the Vice President for his new role. He’s really hoping the schools will like his vision for making Whale-merica great again, so this whole process has been very exciting for him.”

Members of the Republican and Democratic parties alike have expressed their confusion and congratulations on the news. “I don’t understand why he decided to do this after being such a nuisance about needing to be president again,” said former Vice President Kamala Harris. “If he only wanted to be pardoned, he could have asked me or Joe to do it before stepping down to fulfill his dreams.”

“Our courageous leader Donald J. Trump can do whatever he sets that brilliant mind of his to,” said Senator Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina). “I will miss him as president — no one else can really put the Make America Great Again in MAGA like him, no offense, of course, to JD.”

A source close to the President claims his first-choice school is New York University, as he plans to live with his youngest son Barron, a current first-year at the school. However, “the President is open to going anywhere that will take him of course, depending on how big the PhD stipend offer will be.”

While he waits, Trump has called on several older Supreme Court Justices to step down so he can nominate the first whale Supreme Court Justice, which he expressed with confidence will be confirmed, due to “having those bitches in the Republican party wrapped around my little finger.” His current list of possible nominees include the whale that swallowed Jonah in the Bible, the whale that swallowed Dory and Marlin in Finding Nemo, and the 52-hertz whale, also known as “The Loneliest Whale in the World.”

One Reply to “Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist”

  1. Amy Gardiner says:

    OMG, Love this!

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