November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: Connor Betterly

Following in the footsteps of the recent SAG-AFTRA and UAW strikes, the United Lightning Bolts announced plans to strike starting on Friday, October 13, a “very spooky day indeed.” This concerns would-be spectators of the following day’s solar eclipse, as they fear that the skies will be darkened by storm clouds such that they cannot view the moon obscuring the sun. “I’m simply thunderstruck at the prospect,” one skywatcher said.

The ULB demands better working conditions, a four-day workweek, and the right to strike whenever they feel like it. They also want hazard pay while striking during storms and increased job security, claiming that their positions are always at risk due to advances in LED technology. These will be tough asks for their employer, General Meteorologists, to meet, as they are more focused on making it rain on their executives.

The highly anticipated eclipse will peak at 9:26 a.m. in San Diego, where the moon will obscure a “nice” 69% of the sun. “If our demands are not met by Friday, October 13, the following day we shall blot out the sun instead of that silly little moon. You have
been warned.”

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