The new Boeing 737s will reportedly feature coin slots which must be continuously
fed in order to keep the plane in the air.
Photo by Liv Gilbert
Amidst a historic strike and unprecedented financial turmoil at Boeing, CEO Kelly Ortberg has announced a series of changes that he claimed will “restore the company to profitability and repair its public image.” Alongside its push to raise $15 billion from investors and promote the safety culture within the company, Boeing has begun its “Too Big, Still Failing” initiative, a comprehensive program to raise awareness for what they claim is the imminent demise of the company.
Last week, the company began airing an advertisement targeted to the general public which stated that the company is “completely screwed” and “will literally cease to exist tomorrow, unless everybody comes together to help us out. We take you places, now you take us back to the top.” Tulow Terraine, a Boeing PR spokesperson, weighed in on the ad campaign. “You know how when your favorite local restaurant is about to close up, so everyone in the neighborhood goes and buys food, T-shirts, and F/A-18 Super Hornets, and then the restaurant gets to stay open?” said Terraine. “We’re doing the exact same thing here. I know they feel sorry for us, I just do.”
Recently, commercial airline pilots reported undocumented software updates on newer 737 and 787 aircraft, which have caused “erratic” behaviors that some passengers have found unnerving. A passenger on a recent 787 flight claimed that right after take off, both engines on the plane inexplicably shut down for a few seconds before starting up again. Other passengers corroborated that immediately after, a recorded message played in the cabin, saying, “Good thing your friend Boeing came in to save the day!” followed by instructions on how to buy Boeing stock at several major brokerages.
Boeing’s weapons products have also experienced these unexpected and oftentimes disruptive updates. Members of the military teams who manage the PAC-3 missile defense system stated that the system occasionally prompts the operator to enter credit card information before it can be used. After the card gets charged anywhere from $10 to $500, the screen shows the text “We couldn’t have done it without your support!” and repeatedly prompts the operator to ask their friends and family to make donations to Boeing or one of its subsidiaries. An anonymous military source reported that there are currently no plans to replace the system, as doing so would require years of re-training, and raised concerns of Boeing’s executive board becoming “very sad” if the government were to consider a new contract.
Critics have lashed out at the plan for a variety of reasons. One commenter on Reddit wrote: “I’m so tired of this company! Today someone showed up at my house with a bag filled with drones and asked if I wanted to buy one. When I said no, he started crying and throwing a fit. I would have told him to get the hell away from me if he wasn’t carrying enough firepower to level my neighborhood. Do better, Boeing!”
Ortberg doubled down on the program in a recent press conference held at Boeing’s headquarters. “The government gives you people so much money and you can’t even spare a little bit for us?” he said. “This program is an innovative step for us. At Boeing we always say that when the door on a plane closes, another opens soon enough.”