UC Regents Evacuates UCSD, Raccoon Insurgency Rises to Power

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“One man’s trash is another man’s missile defense system,” said Drake.
Photo by Sharon Roth

Uncertainty and fear struck the hearts of the UCSD community as UC Regents formally withdrew from the university on August 31st, leaving remaining students and faculty under the charge of the Trash Pandas. The evacuation formally ends the 61-year campaign in San Diego, UC Regent’s longest and most unpopular mission in history. Instead of rejoicing, many in the UC system are reeling at what has been, in lamest terms, “an absolute clusterfuck of a situation.”

The tumultuous operation began in April, when UC President Michael V. Drake formally announced the withdrawal. As UC Regents began to mobilize, so did the Trash Pandas. According to Drake, “the prospect of the Trash Pandas overrunning everything and owning the whole campus” was highly unlikely, but by mid-August, the blisteringly-fast Trash Panda offensive had secured all seven colleges and breached Library Walk. UC Regents continued to evacuate students and faculty in their stronghold at Price Center West until the end of the month, when the final truck left and the Trash Pandas consolidated their hold on the entire UCSD campus.

The end of the campaign in San Diego leaves an incredibly bitter taste in the mouths of many in the UC system. “We all knew it had to happen sometime,” said Professor Oldenstein “61 years of occupation on Trash Panda territory and what to show for it? I couldn’t park in La Jolla before they developed it and I still can’t thanks to these damn Trash Pandas.”

Drake has defended the Regents’ handling of the evacuation, stating that he was “not going to extend this forever conflict” any longer. “The UC system no longer had a clear purpose in an open-ended mission in San Diego.” He blamed the hurried withdrawal on his predecessor, Janet Napolitano, who “made a deal with the Trash Pandas for the removal of UC staff by May 1st,” and authorized the release of several raccoon prisoners. “It’s a tough situation,” Drake said, but the UC president was adamant that the operation was a “huge success” despite the opinions of “literally everyone” according to a professor at UC Riverside.

Fingers designating who was responsible for the Trash Pandas’ capture of UCSD are being pointed in many different directions. Contrasting Drake’s faulting of the previous Regents board, former regional director Sarjent Armiman claims the UCSD administration’s “weak will” brought about its downfall. “During my tour in San Diego, I dealt with many deans and department heads. UCSD admin was plagued with corruption, and the students just kept coaxing out the raccoons. No wonder they surrendered immediately when the Trash Pandas came for Revelle, there was never a will to fight.” Others blame other educational institutions for “not doing their part” in helping Regents oust the Trash Pandas, or even funding and aiding them in underground deals.

Regardless of who is at fault, most everyone can agree that the future looks bleak for UCSD students and faculty. “I’m scared for my life,” said one anonymous student. “The Trash Pandas follow a strict, fundamentalist interpretation of the laws of nature. They’ve routinely executed people for not having school spirit, for loving people of the same major — for as little as asking questions in lecture. They horribly subjugate non-STEM majors, steal food away from students, and destroy Stuart Art collection pieces. I mean, we did force them into small spaces of land and go on murder sprees when one of them bit someone, but this is unaceptable.”

The end of the campaign in San Diego brings a long list of questions that need to be addressed, but the one central issue Muir students brought about was whether this will affect the ice cream availability in John’s.

Copy Editor at The MQ

Here lies the bio of a guitar jammin, halo playin, copy editin, ISTJ personality typin member of the MQ. Adian Valdez is not only the lead copy editor of the MQ, he is a deeply committed member of Triton Halo, Muir Musical and his fraternity of which I do not know the name. The MQ urges you to listen to this king’s music on iTunes or Spotify and maybe he will AP style the hell out of your papers.

One Reply to “UC Regents Evacuates UCSD, Raccoon Insurgency Rises to Power”

  1. Raccoon says:

    Bow to your overlords

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