“I can’t believe our virginity rate is even higher than our acceptance rate!” said Dill Doe.
Photo by Julia Wong
Since its establishment, UC San Diego has been referred to by many as “UC Socially Dead.” However, in recent years, the university has garnered a reputation for being “UC Sexually Dead.” Administrators have declared the “sexless society” a widespread crisis across campus, especially compared to UCSD’s rival school, SDSU. A 2023 census from colleges3ggs.org stated: “SDSU’s student sex rate has skyrocketed to a whopping 99%, whilst UCSD has fallen to a drastic low of 1%.”
Following U.S. News & World Report’s addition of “Bedroom Quality” to their rankings of the nation’s top universities, administration has declared it “a top priority” to get students to have more sex. One administrator said, “Our rankings are everything, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for UCSD. If I have to hook up with students myself to increase our numbers, then I will. It’s not like I don’t have experience — I’ve been fucking them over for years.”
Campus resources have already proposed solutions to the issue. Condoms will become more accessible to students, as the Condom Concierge has reserved a permanent spot on Library Walk. The new “Build-a-Bag” booth offers free, customizable condom kits to students, including over 100 condom shapes, sizes, colors, and flavors. “My favorite is the neon Pride-colored 3XL razzle-dazzle condoms because they match my fruity personality,” reported second-year student Dill Doe. “I’m definitely motivated to have more sex after seeing all the options available, and by giving it my hardest I hope to get some
in return.”
CAPS has also begun hiring sex therapists, who will provide a 24-hour sexual crisis hotline where students can call in for advice. “We hope these additions will create a safe space for students to openly share their opinions and experiences surrounding sexual intimacy,” said Urey Mom, a licensed CAPS sex therapist. Student organizations have also been encouraged to participate in the movement, resulting in the formation of an unofficial fraternity, Beta Delta Sexual Movement (BDSM), which will be partnered with the CAPS community forums. BDSM will host events such as “Eat our (ice) Cream” and
“Blowing (glass).”
UCSD has added multiple new sexual education courses including LIGN 69: Talking Dirty, LTWR 169: Erotica Workshop, and MGT 96: Complicated Systems. Despite the efforts of the newly hired Department of Student Affairs II, the new sex-related courses have been massively unpopular with students. “All I wanted to do in college was bag and shag. Students these days seem to be more interested in things like midterms and Fortnite, which is not something I’ve ever experienced,” said Professor Brent Bangsley.
Although many students and faculty expressed excitement for the new sexual initiatives on campus, one staff member expressed concern. “Such drastic changes like these could easily get out of hand, asserted Finn Gering, who serves on the board of directors for the Department of Student Affairs II. “I’ve seen students sacrifice their outstanding academic performance for sexual performance, and these types of encouragement result in problematic priorities, like taking a B- on a physics quiz to go out and have fun for a night. But more importantly, I’m sick of seeing cum stains on the Geisel eighth floor furniture. Please, show some respect and bring a Mega Carpet-Cover Condom from the Condom Concierge.”
Lastly, to “climax sexual motivation” and “evoke healthy competition,” UCPD has agreed to anonymously release timely warnings when a student “hits their hundredth time.” The warnings will include links to campus resources so that students can “address their feelings of loneliness, grief, or horniness appropriately.” Additionally, the first student to reach this milestone will receive $100 in Triton Cash and a free vibrator from the campus General Store (also known as the “G-Spot”). UCSD reminds students to “utilize these new resources, keep an open mind, proceed with caution, and don’t be afraid to embrace
your kinks.”
