“This is not like the Rainforest Cafe,” Helpani attested.
Photo by Julia Wong
After an intense thunderstorm over San Diego, an ancient creature previously residing within Snake Path awoke on the UCSD campus when twin bolts of lightning struck the snake in its pupils.
According to declassified documents from Geisel Library, the creature was originally thought to be dead when construction on campus began. Rather than spend additional resources removing the creature, campus architects included its body in their plans. On Wednesday, their folly came back to haunt students. “I was studying at Geisel when I noticed the storm intensifying,” said first-year Sebastian Nalo Akron Kevin Eucaluy. “After a big flash of lightning, I saw the Snake Path lift itself off of the ground and slither towards a group of photographers capturing the storm. After the next flash of lightning, the photographers were gone, and so was the creature.”
Campus was abuzz the next day when news of the mysterious disappearance of the Snake Path broke out. UCSD authorities gathered a group of experts in fields ranging from ophiology to geometry, sending them off on a journey across campus in an attempt to pick up the trail of the giant snake. “After five hours of searching through the RIMAC woods, we found some tracks,” said intern Patricia Althea Torusifant Helpani. “We were about to follow the trail of loose hexagons towards Price Center when we were summoned to an urgent meeting with Chancellor Khosla. It’s a shame, because I really thought we were about to catch the creature.”
At the meeting, Khosla reportedly informed the group that their progress was “too slow,” and he had to take decisive action to tackle the problem head on. In a campus-wide announcement, Khosla said, “Any students who can find the rogue Snake Path will be amply rewarded. The reward is a lovely dinner for two with me at my mansion, followed by a stroll down to the beach where I will flip a coin. If you call the coin flip correctly, you get free housing.”
The announcement sent the campus into a frenzy of activity. “My roommate joined one of the search parties last night,” said junior Sarah Nicole Aliah Kristen Elliot. “I haven’t heard from her since, but it’s definitely nice to have the room to myself.” Experts have used the last known locations of missing students like Elliot’s roommate to narrow their search for the creature to the area around the ERC dorms. Amid concerns that UCSD was not doing enough to combat the creature, Khosla issued a statement: “At this time, we have determined that the creature is not a threat to anyone on campus, and is in fact providing a service. Students have long complained of crowding on campus, and the creature seems to be solving this effectively.”
Experts finally caught up with the Snake Path late Saturday night. “I saw the group chasing the creature towards Price Center,” said senior Pablo Arturo Tejas Herrera. “Suddenly, the Snake Path stopped, reared up, and ate them all whole. What kind of experts run after a giant snake that’s eaten hundreds of students?”
A campus-wide announcement was issued following the tragic loss of the experts’ lives. “Obviously it isn’t good that the experts are dead,” said Khosla. “But the creature should probably be full by now, so I’ve solved yet another crisis flawlessly.”
