November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Next-Gen Game’s $70 Price Tag Effective at Raising Executive’s Bank Balance

Written by: Jacob King

“They said we couldn’t make video games that cost $70, but the yolk’s on them,” said Edwin.
Photo by Amit Roth

Since the release of the PlayStation 5 back in 2020, Sony has charged $70 for their biggest AAA games. This prompted Microsoft and Nintendo to follow suit and increase the prices of their next-generation games to $70 as well. In a recent earnings call, PlayStation North America’s president, Elmer Edwin, said that increasing the costs of their games was “necessary” because “it turned the stock graph into a beautiful upward swoosh.”

While he has left unclear exactly how much money he has accrued, Edwin used phrases such as “twelve king’s ransoms” and “a money pile, Scrooge McDuck-style” to refer to his fortune. Other PlayStation executives echoed the success of the price increase with more restrained language. “I think we’re able to live a little bit more comfortably now,” shouted one executive through the glass of an elevator as he ascended into his private PlayStation helicopter.

When asked whether the current state of the economy would affect their increasing revenues, the PlayStation team seemed confident in their continued success. As Edwin put it, profits will stay steady even during the economic downturn “as long as the world of business continues to crush people under its boots, leaving interactive fantasy as the only escape.”

Sony’s profit margins have left many wondering about implications for the salaries of lower-level employees. “I asked my boss for an 8% raise to match inflation,” began one Sony employee. “He looked me in the eyes and said, ‘sure, we’ll adjust your salary by 8%.’ But when I got my next paycheck, it turned out that he reduced it by 8%!”

Even with record profits, Edwin is committed to raising them still further. “Inflation is just going to spiral out of control,” said Edwin. “All fiat currencies will eventually inflate to zero, but that does not mean I cannot amass and spend as much money as possible while it still holds value. Which is why I am committed to exploring how I can turn this economic downturn into an economic upturn for me specifically.”

According to Edwin’s assistant, after a long holiday vacation, Edwin brought a carton of eggs into his office and spent all day pondering them, despite the numerous meetings he had scheduled. “I just sat there in my office all day trying to think about how the bird flu affected video games,” said Edwin. “I then happened upon the thought that no one could expect developers to program without a morning breakfast of 10 eggs.”

“Egg prices have increased by, say, 23.69% in the past two months. And the video game industry and the poultry industry are intrinsically intertwined,” said Edwin in a presentation to the board. “Now let’s use a conservative estimate, say 23.64%, for the increase to our costs of production. That means that we must charge the consumer an extra 50% to offset the increased production costs.” The boardroom was reportedly “confused but excited” at Edwin’s pitch. “We could start selling games for $100 a unit!” exclaimed Edwin. “And of course, the price of any egg or chicken related cosmetics will need to follow the trend even closer.”

When asked what will happen if the price of eggs falls, Edwin said, “I’ve heard the price of chicken farms are at an all-time low … I wouldn’t worry about that being much of a possibility.”

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