Qatar Imports Polar Ice Cap to Combat Excessive Heat at World Cup


Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Photo by Amit Roth

Following an unsuccessful trial run at Lusail Stadium on September 9, in which the stadium’s vaunted air conditioning system failed to cope with the 93 ℉ heat, FIFA’s choice of Qatar to host the 2022 World Cup was once again questioned by football fans worldwide. To combat these concerns, the Qatari government announced a plan to radically cool their nation in time for the start of the World Cup. The reported plan involved sending two teams of migrant workers into the Arctic to harvest large portions of the polar ice cap. These immense hunks of ice would then travel by ship to the coast of Qatar, where they would then be left to melt, reducing the temperature of the entire region.

“I see this as a win for everyone,” said Bri Berry, leader of the Qatari Football Association. “We are creating thousands of jobs for migrant workers, which inputs millions into the global economy, and we are significantly cooling the Middle East and parts of Africa, which will help to combat global warming.”

However, not everyone was a fan of the innovative solution. Some locals are worried that the rapid cooling of the region could affect their local businesses. The owners of several beach clubs along the Qatari coast have banded together to protest this decision.

“Think of all of us, the little guys getting crushed by our government’s irresponsible decisions,” said Rich Groillens, owner of the Oasis Beach Club. “To prepare for the inevitable financial hardships, I had to sell my third Lamborghini! My neighbor was making fun of me, and I just felt so ashamed. All this pain and suffering for a stupid game of football — it’s not worth it.”

Football players who were worried about Qatar’s oppressive heat had their concerns allayed. “I think it’s wonderful, what they are doing,” said Ikik Daboll, starting midfielder for the U.S. national team. “I was worried that I could get heat stroke, and the team doctors had predicted that at least ten of us would pass out per game. Now with Qatar’s great solution, I’ve had to pack a jacket and mittens.”

Scientists at the Qatari consortium Outreach for Climate Innovation and Learning (OIL) said that the polar ice cap would do more than just significantly reduce the temperature in the Middle East.

“This polar ice cap melting will be the best thing that has ever happened for the environment,” said Shelldon “BP” Exxonmobilano Chevronest, an OIL environmentalist. “The water that evaporates will combine with the smoke produced at our refineries to produce immense amounts of rainfall that we predict will turn the Sahara desert into a lush oasis that should produce enough food to feed half of the world every year. The water from the polar ice cap will also clean all of Qatar, as the melting water will run through the streets before returning to the ocean, leaving Qatar pristine before the World Cup kicks off. The best part is that all the water entering the ocean will decrease ocean acidification, as the ocean will be diluted by all this fresh, pure water.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *