Scientists Discover Arizona Green Tea Is The Elixir of Life

A team of biochemists at UCSD recently discovered that the elixir of life is AriZona Green Tea. As people began stockpiling the precious commodity, the discovery led to a mass shortage. Despite increased sales, CEO David Menashi said, “AriZona has always been sold for 99 cents, and always will be. Any stores that mark AriZonas up to ridiculous prices like $2.50 should be ashamed. I shake my fist at them in disapproval.”

The biochemists made the startling discovery after noticing the odd behavior of one graduate student. “I noticed that Carrie acted differently every day depending on which flavor of AriZona she was drinking,” said professor Ben Zyme. “When she drank a Watermelon or Mango AriZona, she would act super sluggish, and any work she did would have to be redone. When she drank an Arnold Palmer AriZona, she complained of aching joints and had an unreliable memory. When Carrie drank the Green Tea–flavored Arizona, however, she shined. She was easily the smartest person in the lab, and full of energy.” In light of this startling, accidental discovery, more studies are being conducted to document the full effects of AriZona Green Tea on the human body.