Toxic Workplace Environments Perfect for Crop Growth

ArticlesCampusNews

Written by: Janice Kim

The phrase “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” was found to be one of the most reliable fertilizers.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow

After world hunger was solved during Summer Session II, the UC San Diego administrative board issued a campus-wide bounty for the researchers who revolutionized the rate at which farms could produce food. “By putting an end to famine, so many wars will never have to be waged. And for each war avoided this way, a treasure trove of playthings for the military-industrial complex shall likewise never see the light of day…” Vice Chancellor Reginald MacArthur paused to light a cigar before continuing his statement. “Those scientists chose to remain anonymous. But we can choose to kill their funding. They will be found, and we will mount them like figureheads to the battleship called scientific advancement. Go Tritons.” 

The research team was located at Geisel study room 721 by a group of now-unemployed humanitarians. They were seen whispering for hours through the barricaded door to “give [them] another global issue to advocate for, anything.” When the door was eventually unlocked, witnesses claim that a “great thorn whip” lashed out and “boa constricted” one of the humanitarians as a researcher emerged to comment: 

“YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!! You have to be irritating and loud if you wanna keep the hills alive. Watch!” 

UCSD’s research on plants and their response to the sound of music had been an intensive experience. Meeting notes indicated that long hours of unpaid overtime and poor workflow management led to “numerous express altercations.” 

“Fights. They were fights,” the project’s lead researcher clarified. “But don’t worry. When things got bad, we’d make up. And when things got really bad, it was all because of Worker B. Damn Worker B. Just a couple weeks ago, though, we were chewing them out because they’d redecorated the space all funny. All of a sudden, the potted plant that they’d brought in shot up as tall as the roof. Bam! Chunks of popcorn ceiling went flying everywhere.” Repeating the experiment with other employees confirmed the result: plants grow fastest and become the most nutritious when exposed to violent human speech. 

“There’s just one catch,” the research paper read. Crops have been observed to eventually develop a tolerance to arguments that are “overly repetitive” and will stop growing in response to those sounds. The workaround that the paper suggests is to establish a “corp rotation” where alternating groups of employees are sent on company retreats. Living in close quarters would cause them to share their true opinions of each other, generating “positive energy” and new stimuli for a bountiful harvest. “Positive” was defined as the presence of something. 

Agricultural businesses like Cargill Ltd., Cargill Meat Solutions, Cargill Happy Farms Upstate, and UCSD’s Roots have stated that after investing the majority of their resources into these retreats, no other changes need to be made to their business models to maximize profit. “Sustaining hostile workplaces has always been the industry standard,” said Cargill heir Shay Sikes. “These new findings simply confirm what we’ve known: money talks.” 

As for the well-being of the workers themselves, one subject had the following to note: 

“Would I rather that instead of filtering the budget through convoluted systems that make me dance for dumb things like trust and creativity, they just pay us? Of course. But whenever I start to really feel each minute I’m spending with my coworkers, I remind myself, ‘It’s all for saving the world.’ Like how could I complain? I’m just one guy, and the world is like, the world.”

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