Being A Raccoon is Harder Than You Think

Written by: Claire McNerney

By Rachel the Raccoon
Former Human

Trust me, I’ve been there. I was once like you: happy and free, eating warm, full meals with my forks and knives. You stupid, stupid students, I see you struggling with your math homework. I see you decide to take a little walk to procrastinate. Your bellies are full, your bodies are clean, you can open a phone with face ID. But you see a raccoon, rubbing its little paws together, begging for food, and you decide that instead of being satisfied with your glorious life, you “wish you were a raccoon.” I mean, I get the appeal. From the outside, we look really cute. But have you ever tried to type an op-ed without opposable thumbs? It’s misery!

But trust me, I get it. I thought that being a student was hard too … until I became a raccoon. I didn’t study hard enough for my Chem class, like, at all. So when I failed, I told myself: don’t worry about it, Rachel — it’s no big deal, you and your human-sized feet will just have to kick it into gear next quarter. Except I didn’t get a chance to try. Because my Chem professor turned me into a raccoon.

Okay, so maybe I don’t have any proof it was him. But who else could it be? He did say there would be consequences for failing the class. And there was a pretty ominous sound that seemed kinda like a thunderclap, followed by a glittery poof after he said that. But I thought he was just being strict! I think I even laughed at it, after which he glared at me with his horrible neon yellow eyes. Come to think of it, he was kinda weird. I followed my friend (who’s not currently a raccoon, she got an A- in the class) to his office hours once, and he had all these orbs in there, and these creepy chemistry experiments bubbling in cauldrons over bunsen burners. And if that isn’t grounds for accusing him of turning me into a disgusting quadrupedal procyonidae, I don’t know what is!

So, I guess what I’m saying is that maybe you should study. Before it’s too late. And if you see a raccoon trying to climb out of a trash can, maybe consider helping me out. It’s hard to open the flap when your arm is shorter than a number two pencil.

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