Students Desperate for Chance at Black Friday Tuition Discount

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

“You’re gonna get a deal on this knuckle sandwich,” yelled Sweeney.
Photo by Sharon Roth

As the holiday season approaches, Black Friday savings are at the forefront of many UCSD students’ minds. In front of Geisel Library, nearly 50 students could be seen camped along the library’s entryway; unmoving, covered in blankets, and muttering to themselves, “discounts, discounts, less tuition … ”

One student, Jenny Fortescue, stated: “I’ve been out here for days. I’ve attended my remote classes, befriended the raccoons, and lost three toes. I only have my love for discounts to keep me warm.” While UCSD admin has stated that there will be a contest inside the library for a tuition discount on Black Friday, they have not confirmed exactly what this contest entails.

“I heard it was a mega game of hide-and-seek where if you find Khosla and bop him on the head, you get $1000 off, and if you bop any college’s provost on the head, it’s $500!” exclaimed a small voice from under a mound of blankets.

Another student amongst the campers, Robert Sweeney, claimed, “I heard a rumor that whoever catches the raccoon that’s been living in the library’s pipes and brings it back unharmed will get free tuition for a quarter! But my friend here has an even better idea.” Sweeney gestured to a frozen student, who broke into shards as he tapped their shoulder. Some students have expressed concern for their classmates camped by the library doors. “Do … do they need a GoFundMe? Can we make some GoFundMes? It is so cold … they must be so cold,” whispered a student on their way to study for a Week 10 midterm.

Some have even called on UCSD admin to call off the contest as a result of the students’ misery. “It is barbaric,” said psychology professor Maria Lansing. “These poor children have been outside for so long just to join some contest they don’t even know the details of for a chance to pay a little less in tuition. Lord knows it won’t be much.” UCSD admin sent out a statement saying: “We had no idea the response this would bring about. We thought it would just be another Instagram post lost in the slurry of failed attempts to get students to participate at this school. But hey, we’re incredibly happy to see students’ enthusiasm and commitment!”

Geisel librarians have sweetened the pot by raffling out heated blankets to the small group of students waiting in line. Students who want to compete in the raffle must balance atop the tallest branch of the silent tree for an entire minute while being harassed by HDH workers who want the students out of it. As the weather grows colder, and more and more students brave the cold for a shot at a discounted tuition, the whole school is on the edge of their seats to see what the contest will bring — and the fate of the students hoping to win it.

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