Written by: The MQ

  1. Its high school GPA
  2. The mercury content of its meat
  3. How far it would travel to find its lost son
  4. Its number of cameo appearances on Deadliest Catch
  5. Whether its school made the USA Today list
  6. How long it takes to evolve to climb trees
  7. The number of Tinder profile pictures it’s in
  8. Its position in the food chain
  9. The cut of its jib
  10. Its cover

The premier satire magazine at UC San Diego.

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