With Super Bowl LVIII just around the corner, there should be exactly one thing on your mind: how can I profit off of the biggest betting event of the year? The Super Bowl is a magical time for professional sports bettors like myself, and this year I’ve decided to do a little charity and help regular schmos like you get to my level.
What makes the Super Bowl great is simply the volume of things you can bet on. Will the national anthem be sung over or under 121.5 seconds? What color Gatorade will be dumped on the winning coach? Will the coin land heads or tails? What song will be lip synced to first at the halftime show? The possibilities are endless, and with the right mindset and a little bit of research, you can chain together win after win and watch the dough roll in.
The first step to winning any bet is the research. Wondering if Christian McCaffrey will rush for over 76 yards? Find out what his mentality is going into the big game. Follow him everywhere, watch how he practices, what he eats, how confidently he drives to and from the team facility, and see how many hours of sleep he gets a night. All of these pieces of data are vital to placing a winning bet.
However, research alone won’t guarantee a win — you also need a bit of luck. Make sure to avoid placing bets at any time with four, six, 13, or other unlucky numbers. Be sure to only bet in increments of $777. Wear all your lucky clothing when you place the bet. For me, that means wearing my signed Terry Bradshaw jersey, rainbow mohawk wig, one knee-high bright pink stocking and a black football cleat on my right leg, no sock and a stiletto on my left, and my lucky jockstrap from third grade. It’s important to never wash the luck out of any of your clothes, no matter how much your mom complains about the smell. It’s like geez, how can you smell it when I’m all the way down in the basement anyways? Maybe she wants me to lose.
The third and most important step is to control everything. Say you bet that the Gatorade dumped on the winning coach will be pink, which pays out 35:1. Simply get a buddy to go in on the bet with you, get jobs as waterboys, and ensure all the Gatorade is pink. It’s not like the players will be able to taste the difference. Finally, remember to drink all the evidence afterwards to get away scot-free and well hydrated. With these three simple tips, you too can become a sports betting master like yours truly. Just don’t take the under on the Star Spangled Banner this year. I hear a certain sexy man with the voice of an angel will be taking at least one hour to finish what might be the best version of the national anthem anyone’s ever heard.