“Crisis is my middle name. My name is Donald Crisis Trump,” said Donald Crisis Trump.
Photo by Liv Gilbert
On September 22, Donald Trump held his twelfth press conference of the week to announce to the American people that he and his team had solved “yet another crisis” Americans had faced under the Biden-Harris administration. “I realized that if I wanted the American people to vote for me, the greatest president in the history of the world, I had to remind them how great my first term was,” explained Trump. “I decided to tackle problems that any American would face, whether Republican or stupid, white or other, Christian or wrong, because I am a president first and foremost of the American people. When I solved the first problem, the Mexican Coke problem, it seemed to be all anyone was talking about. So, I decided to keep going and see if I could fix four horrible years in a week, and it went so well that, like God himself, I rested on the second day.”
Trump’s campaign released an announcement on September 16 that outlined the former president’s solution to affordable higher education, stating, “President Trump and his team have come up with a way to solve the Mexicoke dilemma. For too long Mexico has had the better Coca-Cola, which is frankly an insult to Americans everywhere who pay taxes that directly fund the CEO’s salary. Using his negotiating skills, the former president has gotten Coca-Cola to rename Mexicoke to Make Mexicoke American Goods Again Coke or MMAGACoke for short. In return, the Coca-Cola Company’s CEO received a small raise funded by taxes that the majority of Americans did not have to pay. Only the freeloading bottom 10% of people who mooch off the federal government will feel any impact, and they deserve it for losing at capitalism.”
Public reactions to this announcement and others like it released throughout the week were mostly positive. Registered Republican Bill Cook said, “I think it’s amazing what President Trump is doing for the American people; he’s really rebuilding people’s trust in our institutions. The way he solved the whole border crisis was honestly inspiring. No longer will Americans have to worry about people south of it having better Coca-Cola. Instead they will just have better food, a better reputation, and a better language, all things that President Trump will eventually get around to. I mean his taco salad is already such a large leap in the right direction.”
Another crisis tackled by the Trump campaign was that of term limits with the Supreme Court. “We went out to the American people and asked them what some problems were with America,” explained Trump campaign manager Lee Brall. “People were worried about term limits and said something about the Supreme Court Justices, so we worked with the six of them and several congresspeople to sculpt a law stating that anyone named Donald Trump could serve as president with no term limits. This is clearly what the American people want, and it lines up with President Trump’s plan to pass the torch to Don Junior.”
Not everyone was pleased with the Trump campaign’s solutions. “When the campaign said that they had a solution for crime, I was really excited,” said kindergarten teacher Richard Cheney. “The fact that they had identified 26 million criminals in a matter of days was simultaneously terrifying and impressive, but I just assumed that to catch one you had to think like one. Then I found out that they got the CIA to arrest the entire country of Australia. Which is fair, their toilets spin the wrong way so something evil is definitely afoot, but they didn’t read anyone their Miranda rights. Instead Trump went on a 20-minute rant about coconut trees and how apples are a much more American tree, so the whole country went free and now they’re angry! His second term is somehow going to be worse than the first.”
