DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’


Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I’m almost as high as the defense budget,” said one DEA agent.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt

In a press release this morning, the US Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) announced its plans to reclassify marijuana under the Controlled Substances Act of 1971. The drug is currently considered a Schedule I substance, a class­ification which denotes “no medical value” and a “high potential for abuse,” and also includes heroin, fentanyl, and League of Legends. Under the DEA’s plan, marijuana will be moved from Schedule I to the agency’s new “It’s Just a Plant, Bro’’ classification.

“It’s long overdue that we reevaluate our classification of marijuana,” wrote DEA spokesperson Leif Greene. “Far too long have people suffered under the draconian restrictions on marijuana. Now, it can be bought, sold, traded, marketed, and monopolized just like any other drug.”

Under the rule changes, federal licenses will be required to grow and sell marijuana. “It’s extremely easy to obtain a license to grow,” explained Greene in the press release. “All it takes is a quick two-year waiting period, a monetarily negotiable demonstration of safe growing practices, provision of free samples to DEA personnel, and a small deposit of a few million dollars — and just like that, any American can obtain a license to grow marijuana.”

Many Americans expressed their approval of the changes — user @CaptainItalist on the social media platform X (formerly known as Twitter) wrote: “I’m so ha­ppy @DEA finally decided to shake things up. It’s about time private equity was able to use its unconscionable amount of wealth to buy up marijuana brands!”

However, not everybody approved of the agency’s move. X user @TokeyNuggsworth posted: “it sucks weed isn’t cool anymore. i felt so punk blazing while driving down the 5, but now it’ll be mainstream. guess i’ll have to find a new hobby. thanks, @DEA.”

To reflect the new classi­fication and guidelines surrounding the substance, the federal government will modify existing marijuana prison sentences. Pending regulatory approval by the White House, FDA, Pfizer, and Richard Nixon’s ghost, 50% of inmates will be selected via random draw to have their sentences excused, and the remaining inmates will have their sentences doubled in order to comply with federal prison quotas. Eligibility criteria for early release include whether the crime was nonviolent, the amount in possession, intent to distribute, and skin color.

“While the DEA strongly believes that this is the right decision, this change may take some adjusting to,” continued Greene. “Police forces across the nation will have to re-train drug-sniffing dogs to ignore the scent of marijuana by having handlers light up with their dogs six times per day, which will incur significant costs in the short term. Additionally, officers have long relied on marijuana as a quick and inexpensive way to plant drugs on a suspect — unfortunately, these rule changes will necessitate negotiating new deals with cartels to make other options like crack or meth a cost-effective replacement.

“However, I believe this is the right step forward for the DEA overall,” he added. “No longer will we have to waste precious taxpayer dollars busting people for harmless marijuana offenses — that money can be better allocated towards efforts that better target minority groups, like blackmailing civil rights leaders and arresting peacefully protesting students.” Greene finished the press release by announcing that at the advice of Purdue Pharma, oxycodone will be reclassified as a Schedule V substance and made available over the counter in pharmacies and grocery stores.

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