Are there any vegan options available for my husband who only eats our newborn children?
– RELUCTANT RHEA

We may never know what developmental factors determine the infamous picky eater. Could it be genetic? Could it be environmental? Perhaps a centuries-old prophecy is at fault for predicting the overthrow of the ruler of the universe. Whatever the cause, we know baby meat gets expensive, and it’s tiresome to prepare from scratch. Do not worry, the golden age of veganism is upon us, and we’ve got options: though slightly mineralheavy, stones offer the same texture and protein as baby meat, at about a hundredth of the cost. The recipe is very simple; all you need is a pita wrap and a large stone. Once you’ve got your stone, wrap the pita around it like a blanket, and feed it to your titanic husband. This should satisfy his eternal hunger and allow you to keep your son. For an extra kick, try pairing your stone baby with poison, forcing him to regurgitate the stone and all your other children, saving you money on future meals. Good luck!