Soon-to-be graduated chemistry major Keren Moth reported an ongoing chemical spill of biologically derived saline solution in Muir College. In her injury report, Moth described the source of the spill as “an uncontrollable reaction between neurochemicals in response to impending change and/or doom.”

She attempted to describe the reaction thermodynamically, detailing how a change in her surroundings would cause an imbalance in the system. As a result, Moth claims that she will undergo spontaneous beta-plus decay and lose all positivity in her life. Moth elaborated, “I can’t become a silicon-based lifeform. I’m just too out of my element. I don’t know my chemical identity anymore.”

“I’m coming to terms with my interactions being temporary,” contemplated Moth. “Not everything can be ionic, or even covalent. Sometimes you’re in London and a force causes you and the besties to disperse or something.”

“It’s okay,” said Moth, looking wistfully into the distance. “The nucleophilic substitution can’t happen without a leaving group.”