Coca-Cola Unveils New Ad Campaign to Kill the Polar Bears


Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

“Be the climate change you want to see in the world,” said Chief Marketing Officer Klymat Chang.
Photo by Amit Roth

Beverage giant Coca-Cola announced in a press release this week that the company would be taking their polar-bear-themed marketing to “new, warmer places” with a “polar-bear-centric ad campaign.” The Coca-Cola Company, which formerly owned Columbia Pictures and currently owns Fuze Beverage, Honest Tea, and British Starbucks look­alike Costa Coffee, has been using polar bears in their marketing since 1922. “We love those fuzzy little guys,” said Chief Marketing Off­icer Klymat Chang. “More than anything, we admire their dedication to the kill. Coca-Cola also believes you should embrace your wild side and live authentically, so as much as we love our perennial mascot, it’s time to bring in something — or someone — new.”

In a bid to increase consumer engagement and “allow everyone to do their part to bring about climate change,” Coca-Cola’s promotion will award the person who kills the most polar bears with a starring role in their new ad campaign and a lifetime supply of Coca-Cola. “Your likeness will belong to Coca-Cola Incorporated. Lifetime benefits subject to shortening due to climate disaster,” stipulated the fine print.
One Kansas resident and self-identified “gun and Coke” enthusiast, Justin Wonguy, expressed his support for the measure. “I’m glad the people at Coke are finally recognizing the power of the people. Polar bears are my daughter’s favorite animal, but I’ll do what I have to do to protect her future.” Wonguy then showed off his arsenal, which included several shotguns and semi-automatic firearms. He described “state hero” John Brown as a source of inspiration. “Like him, I’m happy to do my part and shoot down any sons of bitches who stand in the way of what’s right. My daughter never has to know what Daddy’s doing on his trip to Norway this spring.”

The Coca-Cola company’s new promotional initiative has faced significant backlash from
environmental activist groups, including the Sierra Club and the World Wildlife Fund, who assert that polar bear populations are the responsibility of the collective. “Multibillion-dollar corporations like the Coca-Cola Company shouldn’t be outsourcing ecological maintenance to private citizens, who inherently have less power and fewer resources,” said Sierra Club representative Ekall O’Gicalle. “We are calling on Coca-Cola to use some of their profit margin to cull the polar bear population and avert ecological disaster in rapidly shrinking taiga habitats. Our world is no longer hospitable for these animals, so we need to take them out of their misery, once and for all.”

Distribution Lieutenant at The MQ

Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

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