November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: Everett Ririe

Seventh College Man Waiting for Broken Elevator Scales Elevator Shaft

On November 22 at 1:38 a.m., an anonymous resident of Seventh College Tower West called campus police after hearing grunting noises coming from the elevators. When the officers arrived on the scene, they found Errol Burg, a resident, between the third and fourth floors attempting to climb the elevator shaft. Burg was arrested on the grounds of breaking, entering, and drug possession.

Burg insists that he only did it because the elevator was broken. The elevator had been shut down for six days after other residents had kicked the doors until they stopped working. Burg claims he was “high as a kite,” and thought he could float up the shaft. “Like Bernoulli,” said Burg. “I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for the Triton-2-Go box full of leftover chicken tenders I found in the shaft weighing me down.” Burg has been suspended and awaits his private court hearing on December seventeenth.

Seventh College Administrators have issued a statement insisting that they will “address the rampant elevator incidents as soon as Seventh students learn to conduct themselves

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