Researchers Prove Center Hall Chairs Combat Student Sleeping Epidemic

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“We will not stand for this,” said one member of Tritons Against Torture. “We’re going to host a sit-in.”
Photo by Maria Dhilla

After months of tedious research, a team of psychologists, physicians, and administrators from UCSD have determined that the chairs used in Center Hall are the perfect way to keep students awake during lectures. Lead researcher and college administrator Dame Lilston announced that all chairs in other buildings will be converted by 2025, costing the university an estimated $700 million.

“The rigidity of the chairs, combined with their small size and unstable desk all coalesce to squish the students into submission, the perfect position for learning,” explained clinical psychologist Ferris Sandheim. “As the students sit and get progressively more uncomfortable, it is easier for the professor to cram knowledge into their tiny brains. If they won’t learn, they will be stabbed into submission by that bent support beam near their legs that rusted off years ago!”

Professors and students who have not had the pleasure of experiencing the Center Hall learning experience will be invited to sit in on one of many training sessions that will be held every Saturday from 10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. until the end of the year. “At first I was skeptical about the chairs in Center Hall,” claimed tenured professor of anthropology Clifford Jones. “But after one Saturday session and an emergency trip to my chiropractor, I was convinced that no student would ever fall asleep in one of my classes again.”

These rave reviews are not limited to professors alone, as students seem to be supportive of the Center Hall chair experience. “The Center Hall chairs are simply a lifesaver,” gushed senior Anil Chopra. “I used to fall asleep all the time in class, but with the Center Hall chairs, my back spasms and general body cramps kept me awake the whole time! Sure, I’ll have a lifetime of back pain and chiropractic visits, but I couldn’t live comfortably without my Bachelor’s in art history.”

Although the research has been published and the Saturday sessions are generating positive feedback for the Center Hall chairs, there are still a small number of students who question the validity of the results. “I heard that everyone needs at least eight hours of sleep to properly function,” said sophomore Lindsey Lostque. “I only get two hours of sleep at night, and if I’m unable to get the rest during lectures, how am I supposed to survive?”

TLostque leads a group called Tritons Against Torture that plans to protest the decision to switch all chairs, claiming the new chairs are a waste of money and getting rid of the old chairs is not environmentally friendly. To combat these claims, Lilston announced that all old chairs, “Would be recycled and used as building materials for Eighth College residence halls,” therefore “saving the university money while also helping to reduce the school’s already large carbon footprint.” In response, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla personally removed every recycling bin from campus, stating, “We’ve done enough.”

To aid rollout of the new chairs across campus, UCSD admin has announced a tuition increase starting next quarter. “There is no amount of money that we won’t spend for even the smallest increase in students’ learning,” Khosla declared. “I believe that these chairs will revolutionize the learning environment here at UCSD, and the patent I just put on the chairs should help with the new renovations on my mansion.”

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