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I Got Salmonella From UCSD Dining Halls vs. We Don’t Even Serve Salmon!

Written by: Yuri Bukhradze


I Got Salmonella From UCSD Dining Halls

By Sam O. Nella
Hungry Student

This is ridiculous. I pay God knows how much for housing (which is a small barn in Riverside County with free bus service to Seventh) and Dining Dollars, and what do I get? A zero-expenses-paid trip to the hospital with salmonella!

Let me tell you what happened: It was a beautiful day during Week Seven, and I had just finished another class in Peterson where three students refused to wear masks. I was very hungry, so I entered the line for Pines, which started all the way in Warren. After skipping all of my classes while waiting, I finally got the chance to get my hands on the ambrosia of UCSD food: chicken tenders. I took a bite, and to my horror, I realized that they forgot the breading! In fact, the whole chicken tender was just a raw piece of chicken! And it was $9.99! Well, my momma didn’t raise no quitter, so I just dunked it in atrocious amounts of watery mustard and kept on munching.

The next day I woke up with horrible stomach pains and I spent most of the day in the bathroom. I rushed to the nearest SHS clinic (a wooden shed that read “UCSD Tom’s Farm Veterinary Office”) and had that checked out. Turns out, these chicken tenders gave me salmonella! What is this? My parents pay good money for this, and this is all I get? I want answers!


We Don’t Even Serve Salmon!

By Ron Bento
HDH Spokesperson

It has come to our attention that some students are complaining about the food that is being served by dining halls. Most reports are rather trivial, and don’t even deserve a response. Students finding rats in their french fries, or bowls of jambalaya becoming a homunculi and eating groups of students alive are minor inconveniences that are perfectly within health codes. However, this one caught our attention, and I want to address the concerns of Mr. Nella personally.

Dear Sam, you claim that you were “diagnosed with salmonella” from food that you bought at Pines. However, it is well known that no food items on the menu include salmon. For the sake of the argument, let’s assume that the food you ordered (which, by the way, was clearly labeled ‘chicken tenders’) has salmon. While it is true that some food items in Pines state they contain “salmon,” it is actually a paste made from pink-colored sawdust sold under the “Sawmon” brand. This is very similar to the sale of imitation crab meat, so unless there is a disease called sawmonella, I am not sure where you could get this flavor of food poisoning from. Perhaps, you went to a sushi restaurant somewhere near your dorm — perhaps an infamous restaurant called “Tom’s Farm Tokyo Cafe” that serves dishes from the fish caught in the local sewage canal. Perhaps this is the source of your “salmonella.”

Before trying to slander HDH or UCSD, you should probably do some of your own research and go back to BILD 3 where they will teach you all about salmon and sawmon. Have a good day.

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