Horoscopes – May 2024

FeaturesOther Features

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

⦿ Gemini ⦿ May 21 – June 20
Happy Gemini season! This month, your power-ups include perfectly reheating pizza, doing one point better than average on your finals, and being absolutely treasured. By finding inner peace and opening your mind, you can cause another solar eclipse. Make a wish!

⦿ Cancer ⦿ June 21 – July 22
You are above no one. Sharpen your hand-to-hand combat skills, for you may be challenged soon. Eating dirt and rocks is not an option, so make sure to be confident in your decisions. Stay humble, though, or you will be struck down for your hubris.

⦿ Leo ⦿ July 23 – August 22
Five dollars is too much for gas. Energy is everywhere, all around us. Use the cosmic abundances to propel yourself towards the middle of the country, where corn and salamanders abound. Doing donuts around your head never helps. Step into the world.

⦿ Virgo ⦿ August 23 – September 22
Opening one door often leads to a hallway. Make sure you know where you want to go from there. Or spice it up and make your life a spontaneous choose-your-own adventure. Road trips aren’t wild enough. Go on a power trip instead.

⦿ Libra ⦿ September 23 – October 22
The sky calls you. If you’re feeling untethered, it may be because your web is stretching in different ways. Throw things around and change with the wind. The outdoors may be good for you, but beware of bugs.

⦿ Scorpio ⦿ October 23 – November 21
Look in the mirror. Like it or not, the person you see is going places. They may be up, down, inside out, or upside down, but they sure will be places. Keep in mind that wherever you go, your friends will love you.

⦿ Sagittarius ⦿ November 22 – December 21
Have you ever wanted to ride a motorcycle? Now might be the time to try new things, but also to build up your defenses. Your life is a mess and there are assaults on all sides, so ask yourself: moat or cycle?

⦿ Capricorn ⦿ December 22 – January 19
Bright things are in your future, and by bright things we do in fact mean the Sun. You’ve got a one way ticket there this month! Brace yourself for your fiery demise. Don’t worry, it’ll be a controlled crash and burn.

⦿ Aquarius ⦿ January 20 – February 18
You should learn the meaning of rest. Sleeping isn’t as negotiable as you might think it is. Your laundry can wait; there is a swimsuit for every season. Rest your head. The dream world calls you.

⦿ Pisces ⦿ February 19 – March 20
If you feel like you’re dying, it might be because you are. Try drinking enough water for more than two days in a row. Your stars are dimming, as is your kidney function. Take care of yourself. Everything will happen.

⦿ Aries ⦿ March 21 – April 19
You’re thinking too much this month. Try emptying your head of anything you think is important. You are but an ant in this ever-expanding galaxy. It will explode with or without you. Consider using your mind lasers for something more exciting.

⦿ Taurus ⦿ April 20 – May 20
Spend some time in nature this week. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, connect with the local root system and live in harmony with the trees. If that fails, lie down in a field and become one with the worms. They have wisdom to impart on your mortal soul.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *