Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell vs It’s Not Alcoholism if You’re in College

POINT: Anyone Who Has Ever Had a Drop of Alcohol Is Going Straight to Hell

You children these days are all fools. You lot are always drunk or high and don’t know how to deal with the real world. Alcohol is the Devil’s juice, squeezed from the souls of those burning in Hell, made so that Satan can control you. It makes you do horrific, sinful things, and to what end? Simply to fill a void? What kind of void are you trying to fill with liquor that couldn’t be filled by Jesus? I swear, college-aged kids have no reason to be driven to drink. It’s not like any of this global warming business is real. The only reason anyone should consume alcohol is if it’s the Eucharist, and that’s not even really alcohol since it’s actually the blood of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If you ask me, the government was wrong to repeal Prohibition. Heck, any amendments that were passed after the 18th just seem like overkill to me.

Alcohol is being used by these awful Gen Z-ers to “have fun.” They aren’t considering the serious problems it can lead to, like alcoholism! Child abuse! Spousal abuse! Or, being damned straight to Hell! Back in my day, we’d just sit around reading the Bible and listening to the 1812 Overture and we turned out just fine. People need to return to the values of the good old days. We should ban the consumption of alcohol for everyone, effective immediately.

COUNTERPOINT: It’s Not Alcoholism if You’re in College

O-M-F-G, lady, there is literally nothing wrong with having a drink every once and a while. I myself only drink once every 2–3 hours, and only with my bros in Alpha Beta Sigma, so it’s totally fine! There is nothing wrong with having a beer when I get up at 5 a.m. on a Wednesday with the boys before we go hit the gym. It’s literally 5 o’clock here, dude. I drink the normal amount for a college guy who likes to let loose a little sometimes. Also, this is what the college experience is supposed to be like: drinking, partying, blacking out nightly with friends, y’know? So what if I don’t remember anything after 1 p.m. each day? This is just another part of the college experience. I’m allowed to have a little fun when I’m in college, aren’t I? That’s what my dad and my brothers told me to expect, and that’s what I’m gonna get. And it’s probably safer to be drinking booze than the water from my Brita that’s been sitting in our house fridge all year! That thing is nasty. I wouldn’t even make one of our pledges drink from it.

In a way, we are being smart by only drinking alcohol, since at least it’s sterile. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying alcohol, and everyone says as long as I’m not drinking alone it’s fine. In the words of my godfather and favorite Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, “I like beer,” and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that.