Dear Emily Queue, how do I tell my grandparents I don’t want to see them this year?
I live my life by one crucial rule: only lie if you are willing to write five lies per truth. But you — you need to lie. Do not, under any circumstances, tell your grandparents you do not want to see them. Spin your tale of five, ten, fifteen lies if you must, but do not tell them the truth. But, more importantly, why do you thrive upon being cruel to the elderly? Life is fleeting, and they might only have a couple years left. Or maybe you will die in two months when a meteor strikes your house. Do you want their last memory to be, “My grandchild told me they didn’t want to see me during the holidays”? Fuck you. Grow up. Disown your parents instead.
Dear Emily Queue, how long can I hide in the bathroom before it gets weird?
Wow, some ego you’ve got. The real question isn’t how long before it gets weird, it’s how long until someone notices you’re gone. Maybe dinner would be better without you. I remember this time I went on a double date with my (now ex-) boyfriend and his sister, Jenn. He felt bad that she was pushing 30 without a husband, so I arranged a blind double date with one of my ex-suitors. I liked him, but he looked too perfect — I don’t like to be upstaged after all. Anyways, I could tell Jenn really wasn’t that into him. A shame, really. She asked to use the bathroom and disappeared for the rest of the night. To be honest, I wanted to thank her for it. Turns out that guy was a steal! And I actually hated my boyfriend I had come with. (I think the unlikeability runs in their family.) So next time, think to yourself: “Who am I really doing this for?” You might realize you’re more selfless than you thought.
Dear Emily Queue, can I still send my kids to school on Thanksgiving?
Oh, sweetheart, nothing can hold you back from chasing your heart’s desire. You can — nay, should — send your children to school on Thanksgiving. What happens upon their arrival at the educational establishment is (of course) out of your control, just as it is on every other humdrum day. I am sure that while your children are there, they will find ways to amuse themselves in a more suitable manner than if they ran amok in your house while you’re making the turducken! This will also give you an opportunity to impress those detested relatives that didn’t stay away: when you tell them that your offspring are at school, they will immediately assume that your children are so very studious, and that you are an excellent parent. However, this does mean that your pies should be in excellent form — you won’t be able to blame the shoddy crimping on little Lizbet trying to help you!
Dear Emily Queue, how do I get my family to let me watch football in peace?
If you actually played football instead of just watching it, maybe you would understand the meaning of the word “family.” These people, who are always there for you, who hold you up when you’re down and peel the potatoes to be mashed because you’re too much of a child to enjoy the skin, are the ones who will bleed and die for you in the trenches and bravely dive across the middle to catch that hospital pass you just threw into Uncle Terry’s path. A real man spends his Thanksgiving in the kitchen, helping his family get the perfect golden crust on the turkey and making cranberry sauce just the way they like it. Be more like the men you watch run around on your TV and kiss your wife on the mouth.
