Dear Emily Queue, if I see my shadow on Leap Day, will there be 28 more days of February?
Of course not! Who do you think you are?! The sacred role of Pontifebruaris is a time-honored and divinely ordained duty reserved only for Punxsutawney Phil, on Groundhog Day and Leap Day alike. Our Punxsutawney Prince is not one to rest on his laurels; he is a hard-working and diligent groundhog, and the steadfast bastion holding back the threat of eternal February. We conveniently look past how he keeps himself in a ritually pure and perfectly illuminated prison day in and day out just so he doesn’t see his shadow — not only on Leap Day, but every day. The title of Phil is not one to be taken lightly. He is the only being with both the will and the power to hold back the Bloody Valentine, and you’d best not forget that come the Ides of March.
Dear Emily Queue, why February?
Some of us aren’t as fortunate as others. Some of us draw the short straw. When the Moon’s labor union strong-armed astronomers for a shorter moon cycle during the year, February was chosen at random. However, the Supreme Court decision Pisces Signs v. The Moon (46 B.C.) granted the leap day to increase the amount of babies born under the sign. I hope this begins to unveil the complexities hidden behind that flashy calendar app on which you offload your responsibility to memorize your own schedule. Maybe to you the days are little boxes, all the same. But for me, each day is precious, especially the precious few in February. Live in the moment, and write the date as many times as you can.
Dear Emily Queue, is it Leap Day for everyone, or just for Americans?
You are a foolish buffoon. Of course it’s Leap Day for everyone. Do you live in a bubble, or perhaps a cone of silence? Does your pitiful world extend beyond the reach of that narrow place in which you reside? The world beyond your line of sight must simply cease to exist. Someone could tell you that Leap Day is on February 31 in Australia, and you would believe them. It may be hard, but try to be less gullible.
Dear Emily Queue, is crime legal on Leap Day?
Leap Day is a bizarre mirage, transient and not real unless looked at directly. Because Leap Day breaks our social convention of time, it is only reasonable that we too take the opportunity to break our own social conventions. For instance, try breaking the norm of mailing me every thought that crosses your mind. The world is your oyster.
Dear Emily Queue, how do I convince my employees that Leap Day doesn’t count for their paychecks?
I can’t believe that in 4 S.O.L.L.U. (Since Our Lord Left Us) — that’s four years since Universal Palindrome Day 02/02/2020, obviously — you still have wage slaves. Even if your employees’ passion is making money, stop making people commodify their hobbies. No one has to pay me for my opinions — in fact, I wish they didn’t. I shouldn’t have to prostitute my mind to keep me and my three tortie domestic longhairs fed, clothed, and warm. Fire everyone who works for you and let them do what they love for free.
Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!