Written by: The MQ

Heads up – this feature is from our special Cosmopolitan issue. As such, it may not come across as it was originally meant to in print. Click here to view the original PDF! (Desktop browser recommended.)


  1. What’s your usual Starbucks order?
    a. A caramel macchiato with extra orange juice.
    b. “You guys call it something, but I’m going to call it a ‘large.’ A ‘large’ coffee. Do you even have that?”
    c. A pumpkin spice latte.
  2. What’s a recurring nightmare you had as a child?
    a. Being served ultradivorce papers.
    b. Losing at Mario Kart.
    c. Getting turned into Swedish meatballs.
  3. What’s your go-to reply when someone knocks on the bathroom door while you’re in there?
    a. “Come back with a warrant!”
    b. “Fuck off!”
    c. A fearful whinny.
  4. Would you kill one person to save five others?
    a. No, murder is bad.
    b. I already have!
    c. Nay.
  5. Who’s your celebrity crush?
    a. Timothée Chalamet.
    b. Grimes.
    c. Ronald Reagan.

Mostly A’s: You are a brunch bounder. You love the deceit of the brunch table, the sting of a
salted-rim mimosa, the horizon-chasing pursuit
of an hour you can truly call “happy.”

Mostly B’s: You’re such a grease monkey. You’re a slippery woman who spends her weekends in the pits. Nothing makes you happier than the smell of gasoline and burnt rubber.

Mostly C’s: Are you a headless horsewoman? Do you shed your mortal skin to become your true weekend vibe: Ichabod Cranderella, reincarnated?

The MQ is the premier satire magazine at UC San Diego

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