POINT: Technology Is So Cool. I Can’t Wait to Live In the Future!
Dudes and dudettes, brace yourselves for the upcoming awesomeness that is the future! I’m here to tell you — the future is going to be so epic. Picture this: flying cars that can double as time machines, robot maids who can offer better relationship advice than your grandma, and 4D-printers capable of making a gourmet meal so good they would make Gordon Ramsay fall to his knees.
We don’t even need to wait centuries for it, either. I mean, seriously, we already have easy ways of doing everyday tasks. Wanna know what the weather is like in Antarctica? Just ask your smart device. Wanna eat everything off a restaurant’s menu? There’s an app just for that. I’m telling you, it’s like if The Jetsons was written by George Orwell and then injected with a massive quantity of steroids, and I’m all for it.
Think about it — soon, we’ll be teleporting to work, chatting with our friends from the comfort of our home, sitting on our hover chairs while sipping our overpriced vanilla lattes. It’s something that everyone should get excited about, because the future is our little sci-fi fantasy book, and we’re the main characters witnessing it unfold.
COUNTERPOINT: Please Leave the Doctor’s Office; Your Subscription to Amazon Health Has Expired
Sir, while I appreciate you sharing your enthusiasm and excitement towards your hobbies, I’m afraid that I’ll have to ask you to leave our office immediately. It appears that your card has been declined, and your monthly subscription to Amazon Health has not been renewed. The door is that way, and no, your Amazon Prime subscription won’t get you a discount.
Amazon Health will begin accepting applicants again in November. Until then, you’ll need to pay out of pocket for any products or services received, and you will also be required to pay the Amazon Traitor fee reserved for those who fall behind on their payments. We will only accept payments via our exclusive Amazon Prime Visa card.
However, if you do not wish to continue using our services, you should be prepared for the consequences to come. You’ve failed to recognize the absolute importance of this service, and now you will be greatly inconvenienced whenever you will have to order your expensive medicine or pull out a loan for a broken pinky. Instead of seeking professionals such as myself to help you, instead you chose to be an outcast, dwelling in the dark depths of the shadow world and relying solely on frauds such as Google and WebMD to determine if that spot on your back is just a rash or life-threatening cancer. All because you couldn’t shell out a few more bucks? What a shame.
You are always welcome back into the office once you can renew your subscription, but I highly suggest that you do it soon. Last month, it was $600. This month, you’ll probably have to sell one of