“Caffeine is technically a drug,” noted one police officer. “That means it should be illegal.”
Photo by Amit Roth
Citing a new study by Dr. Walter Jolt-a-Lot, a renowned caffeine scientist, UC San Diego has enacted a school-wide ban on the sale of caffeinated beverages, which went into effect Friday, February 17. Since then, all HDH establishments and student-run stores as well as independent campus vendors such as Target and Starbucks have not been allowed to sell caffeinated drinks on the UCSD campus without incurring retaliation from UCPD in the form of “a hefty fine or something that could be considered cruel and unusual.”
The study, titled “Caffeine and Its Effects On Student Dignity,” is Dr. Jolt-a-Lot’s self-described “magnum opus.” In the study, Dr. Jolt-a-Lot reported his findings on how caffeine affects a college student’s mind, namely that caffeine allows college students to be “awake, alert, and productive” but can also cause “high anxiety, poor decision making, a sense of moral failure, and the urge to run away from the capitalistic lifestyle.” The study also found that the consumption of caffeinated beverages could increase a student’s likelihood to “consider a better future for the world” and “abandon their careers altogether in favor of forming a commune where everyone’s needs are met and no one is poor.”
The findings from Dr. Jolt-a-Lot’s study sparked a new anti-caffeine movement among campus staff. One UCSD spokesperson said: “We need these kids to graduate so they can go from taking COGS classes to being cogs in the machine before their brains have a chance to fully develop. We cannot have them experiencing caffeine-induced idealism when they should be studying their lives away in the bowels of Geisel Library. That’s why we’ve decided to forbid the sale of caffeinated beverages on campus; now, students will be too tired to do the paperwork to drop out.”
Another staff member chimed in, “What this study has shown us is that caffeine is a dangerous drug, almost like a hallucinogen. When a student has caffeine in their system, they might start to believe that the midterm that’s worth 80% of their grade is actually unfair, and they shouldn’t be paying thousands of dollars a quarter to teach themselves the material their professors barely cover. The last thing we need is anyone realizing that we’re actually not worth the student loans. In fact, our ideal student population uses the least amount of critical thinking possible, and are more similar to zombie-robots than functioning adults. Banning caffeine will ensure the students stay subdued and willing to take a sledgehammer to their wallets.”
Since the campus-wide caffeine ban took effect, students all across the UCSD campus have been seen buying and selling “mc2” drinks, “C25H28N6O7” beans, and “1,3,7-Trimethylpurine-2,6-dione” supplements. Sneeth Broth, a student in CHEM 43A, said: “Since this backwards-ass school obviously does not give a rat’s tushy-wushy about their students’ health and well-being, we have decided to use the supplies in the chem labs that we pay for with lab fees to purify caffeine for sale. For our fellow students’ own good, of course! We use the profits to cover the fines for breaking into York after hours. Man, and I thought the parking tickets were bad!”
