Point: You Can Enjoy Your Summer and Relax
The weather in San Diego sure is nice. Almost as nice as delicious orange-flavored, from-concentrate Sunny D. A sip of the scrumptious orange rays of sun that gently ooze over the ocean and into your eyes. You should enjoy your summer and relax. You’ve earned it. Sure, you may have completely disregarded all of the resolutions you made back in January, but you made it this far, and that’s good enough, I guess.
“This summer will be a movie,” as the kids say. I can only dream of the fun you’ll be having this summer. Maybe you’ll finally talk to your crush. Or perhaps you’ll start reading one of those big books you bought five and a half years ago. The possibilities are truly limitless. Maybe you’ll even start drinking water without having to put a Kool-Aid packet in it.
So kick back and relax. Let’s try that new strain of marijuana. No, not the Bored Ape Easter Green indica, I meant the Burt’s Bees Birthday Cake sativa, the one that makes you think you’re a vegan. And I mean, there’s no reason to stop there. Why not try nicotine? I know you’ve always admired the image of the French intellectual, standing picturesquely with a cigarette in their hand. Ah yes, I can see it now. You’ll be sitting on a balcony discussing Michael Foucault’s bio-politics while puffing a vintage 2018 mango Juul.
Yes, it is definitely time to relax. Forget about those upcoming finals. No one cares about what the ECE department has to say about your “GPA” or “academic disqualification.” Why don’t we just stay in our nice, warm bedsheets tomorrow morning and sleep our worries away?
Counterpoint: No You Can’t, You Have 1000 Things to Do and You Need to Finish Them by Tomorrow
You idiot. You dunce. You absolute buffoon. Did you really think you could relax? Do you even have the time to think about relaxing? Maybe you should stop wasting your life watching LeBron highlights on YouTube. Michael Jordan’s better anyways. What have you actually done to deserve a relaxing summer vacation? Huh? Did you even come close to starting your New Year’s resolutions? How’s that summer body looking? Did you even talk to a woman this whole year? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Here’s what you’re going to do instead. You have roughly 1000 things to do and you need to finish them all by tomorrow. Get in gear. First of all, stop reading this. If you continue to read this, you are going to waste even more time. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Wow, you are still reading this garbage. Do you even have a life? Any goals or ambitions? Fine, here’s what you need to do.
After you stop reading this, delete all the apps off your phone. Yes, even the weather app. You don’t need any of that garbage. After you finish, try going to sleep at a reasonable hour for once in your life. I hear sleeping at 9 p.m. is all the rage these days. Wake up tomorrow and consider why you even exist. After having a minor existential crisis, fill your day with meaningless work that fails to alleviate your ennui. Perhaps, every once in a while, you can treat yourself to a little drug-filled hedonism. Repeat this until you die.