The Greatest Public Research Institute
POINT: We Love and Respect All of Our Students
Here at UC San Diego, the greatest research institute of all time, student satisfaction is one of our greatest priorities. We are building state-of-the-art facilities for our students to uphold our reputation as one of the best research institutes. All of our student-minions will love the new and perfectly on-time Eighth College buildings, the future Marshall buildings, and the replacement of the Literature building with the Data Science Institute! We believe that STEM is the future, and we strive to make all our students feel the utmost comfort at our school. Additionally, UCSD has garnered a budget to make the best things happen for our students. For example, we plan to welcome San Diego Alvarado Hospital Medical Center to our network of care. The chancellor, Pradeep “Fighter Against All Inequality” Khosla himself, believes that the acquisition of this property will lead to better development for both the school and for the medical center, saying that he plans to “hire virtually all employees from the medical center — especially for work-study!” and that the hospital will
enter a new era. Our Luminous Overlord even practices the greatest generosity, saying that he will offer the pay of “$15.50 per hour!” Do you hear that? Such an astounding step towards equal opportunities for all of our students, and a huge blow to his annual salary of $1.14 million!
“My students’ wellbeing,” said our beloved Overlord Khosla, “is of the utmost importance. In this era of mental health crises and pandemics, it is up to us to provide the best quality education to all of our students with our funds. That new Data Science Institute sure is exciting. All of you are STEM, right?”
Anyway, this should address all of your problems with anything we’ve ever done, so maybe you should try being grateful for once instead of constantly complaining and ruining our mood. Just something to consider. Best wishes to you all.
Revhell Student
COUNTERPOINT: I’m Homeless
I just received this email from the school bragging about its ranking and research and how they care so much about us. As one of their homeless students, I completely agree with this. It’s so generous of them to cancel some of the two-year housing guarantees to help us practice adulting. In fact, after being rejected for housing, I’ve picked up so many new skills! I’ve become an expert in self-defense from fighting off raccoons in the parking lot overnight, I’m now extremely motivated after staying up all night from the construction noises, and I’ve become a really creative cook, since I have to make meals out of campus plants and discarded dining hall scraps. UCSD loves us so much and they clearly provide all majors with equal buildings by removing one of the only Literature buildings in the school! That’s the energy! Screw writing and reading and grammar. We all love math as much as our savior, Carnegie Mellon graduate Pradeep Khosla. In fact, I dream of real-time control and identification of direct-drive manipulators every night in my fleeting hours of rest, and I’m so grateful to
Khosla for that!
I love this so much. It’s so good. I love not having money to afford anything because my tuition ate my soul. I love having to sleep in my car. I love waking up to a low-tier UCSD administrator knocking on my window to hand me a parking ticket instead of offering resources for houseless students. Clearly, UCSD adores us all. Truly the best school in the world, the best research institute. UCSD is the best money manager that I’ve ever seen. It’s astounding. Who cares if I don’t have a pillow or blankets? UCSD’s love spoils and smothers me, and it’s all I need to keep warm at night.
