“This new app really helps me sleep better at night,” attested Laina Lightly. “And not just because I have better job security — my resumé now doubles as a mattress.”
Photo by Maria Dhilla
A new app from Limen, the startup behind CycleDataTracker, will be released this October, and founder Geoffry Ichquick claims it will “revolutionize the resumé.” With only five minutes a day, the app, called Max Headspace, promises to give its users false memories of work experience to put on their job applications. Users are reported to have up to 200% of their lifetime’s worth of experience on their resumés.
“Last summer I thought I was screwed,” said user Laina Lightly. “I was applying for an Apple internship, but they required five years of experience with a programming language that came out last month. Ordinarily I would’ve spent 20 hours applying and getting rejected anyway, but after using Max Headspace, I think I remember learning the language since I was in eighth grade. Too bad I forgot my mom’s birthday in the process.”
Max Headspace founder Ichquick spoke about the app’s benefits as well as its current bugs. “For longer employment periods, it takes more training to develop enough specific memories. Some people are saying it would be a better use of time to get these experiences in real life. But our calculations say you can get about 15 more minutes out of your life if you use our app constantly instead of living in real life. So, stop posting one-star reviews about it.”
Ichquick continued, “Many users also noticed that false memories may help their resumés and interviews, but that Max Headspace doesn’t falsify employment records.
However, that feature is available with our premium subscription for just $29.99 a month. Some people, like the IRS, are saying that’s illegal, but if our customers remember it clearly, then who’s to say Chipotle isn’t the one lying? Uh, don’t tell our lawyers I said that.” However, beta tester Kera Burnett didn’t find employment records to be a problem, saying, “I don’t think manager Paul at Baskin-Robbins cared that much. But I did have trouble at work, because I started thinking like, if I can just reinvent parts of my brain, then what’s real? Am I happy, or am I just convincing myself I am? Like, does happiness exist, or do I just need a horizon to chase to fill each empty day? By the time I broke out of my thousand-yard stare and heard Paul yelling at me, the line was out the door. I was fired, but at least now I have real work experience I can put on my resumé. And a termination to explain to future employers.”