Written by: Madeline Mozafari

Sun God Weeps During Finals Week

Early this morning, second- year Jeremy Beremy was walking to an 8 a.m. class and reported seeing a trickle of tears flowing from the Sun God statue’s eyes. “I thought it was strange that Sun God would start crying, but then I remembered it was Week 10, so everything made sense,” said Beremy.

Some other students, however, theorize that the nearly 30-foot statue is crying because he is lonely. “I mean, he’s been fenced off all quarter, and no one has used him for good luck on midterms. This may be a statue, but everyone needs to feel the warmth of human touch or affection,” said third-year student Shelley Brach.

In response to Sun God’s apparent tears, students have broken the construction barrier to lay offerings at the statue’s base, like failed midterms, MMW papers, and stolen chemicals from the chemistry labs. A few brave students also climbed the base to give Sun God a much-needed hug. The statue, many claimed, seemed to be looking better, “but that could perhaps be because it stopped raining,” added Brach, before pausing, and saying, “Huh.”

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