I caught my teenage son eating candy that contains palm oil, which is killing orangutans. I told him off, but he pointed to my obsession with Fiji water, stating that the jet fuel used to transport it did more direct environmental damage than deforestation. I said that it supported the Fijian economy and he retorted with, “Who? The white corporate class that institutionalized poverty among native Fijians?” I called him a commie, and he called me a class traitor. Now we’re both hungry. Can we just ignore our thinly-veiled morals and order some DoorDash? I’m worn out.
– DRAINED DESMOND
What you should be doing instead is making all of your food from scratch! Nothing is more sustainable or healthy than that. Be sure to take a look at our new, top of the line gadgets that are sure to fill you both with such amazement that you won’t have time for any arguments!
Editor-in-Chief. Fourth Year Double Majoring in English/Writing and Literature, minoring in Linguistics. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.