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Catch up on true crime

To the girlies who love the unlovable: one of these books or shows might become your new fave. So cozy up in your soundproofed room with the Unsolved Cases Wikipedia page, and let’s dig into these killers!

S. Morgenstern’s Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure

By Refurbia Menderson

I have a soft spot for brooding guys who are just so misunderstood. The dark hair hiding their face, the deep emotional issues that can only be fixed by killing a bunch of people — or even better, by dating me. I can’t resist! So when I saw the trailer for this movie, I was hooked. The “antagonist” is just so nuanced. He’s only killing people because, you know, he’s got some deep emotional pain or something, just like the rest of us. I mean, really, this could be you.

Like, for example, imagine that you needed a sword, because you had grand plans of killing lots of people. (By the way, did I mention how hot a guy looks with a sword?) So of course, you go to the master swordsmith in town, because you need the best sword possible. The smith demands a high price, but you’re worth it. Your victims are worth it. One should only be slaughtered by the finest steel, after all. The swordsmith crafts you a special blade, but asks for a ridiculous sum in exchange. What would you do? (Oh, this plot is just so compelling.)

I know what I would do. This is really all his fault for asking so much, after all. I would take the sword, and slash the smith through the heart right in front of his 11-year-old son. Of course his child is gonna be upset, but I mean, come on. Grow up kid! (You’re on your own now.) Nothing better than a duel and some scars to speed that along. (By the way, the acting in this film is just superb.)

Finally, I would be able to use my blade as intended, racking up a staggering number of kills with relatively few repercussions, even using the money from the wallets of my victims to further fund the killing spree! Really, everything would be swell! But what if some dude started asking questions about a man with six fingers on his hand? What are you to do? (Keep in mind just how great the props are in this film. The swords look so cool.)

Well, you’re a serial killer after all! And you know this dude must die. Except he doesn’t! Indeed, he gains strength with every repetition of, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (Oh, and the soundtrack of the film is simply top-notch.)

Anyways, nobody understands the six-fingered man like I do. I could fix him, I just know it. He makes sense to me, as does everything that drives him. Oh, and just imagine what a man could do with an extra finger. 😉

DIYtective

Podcast, Spotify

Are you one of those people who can’t look away when you see a car accident? Then go unleash your inner detective with hosts Molly and Brad as they dig into the gory details of an ongoing case. Join the race against the clock to solve each murder before the police! Critics and the victims’ families call this podcast “absolutely disgusting” — and we have to agree, because this podcast is not for the faint of heart. One thing we absolutely love is Molly and Brad’s relentless search for the truth, because those two will truly stop at nothing to raise awareness for the victims of heinous crimes, even when those closest to the victims don’t want it!

A Talk With a Woman in STEM

Video, YouTube

“We need more women in STEM — Serial killing, Terrorizing, Euthanizing, and Manhunting — to use blades outside the kitchen. Don’t restrict yourself to vegetables, girls — there’s a whole world to chop, dice, and slash!” the 25-year-old proud feminist and serial killer, known to the terrified public as The Vaslaughtermy Queen, advised young women to persist against sexism. “Isn’t it unfair that my victims express 70% of the terror as those murdered by men? Girls, it is time for us to sync up the blood we shed in more ways than one. We must make men shake in their boots instead of their pants. Ask yourself: if not me, who? If not now, when?” In a recent interview, The Vaslaughtermy Queen shared her empowering vision with our journalist over a dinner date. “To all aspiring women serial killers, don’t let gender expectations stop you. We believe in you, babe! The world is your chopping board.”

Serial Killers and Selfies

Podcast, Apple

The latest binge-worthy true crime podcast Serial Killers and Selfies brings red-carpet glamor to the gritty world of crime. For 45 minutes, the hosts ASMR-sip on iced matcha lattes and discuss the aesthetics of the perpetrators of the most chilling cases. Their relentless pursuit of the most Instagram-worthy crime scene reenactment is captivating, if a bit over-the-top. We can’t help but wonder if they realize their obsession with the artistic composition of chalk outlines is a bigger spectacle than the cases they cover. Their whodunnit fashion segment, involving guests who critique the fashion choices of criminals and victims alike, is a perfect blend of morbid fascination and cringe-worthy humor. They’re a bit too eager to condemn some of these killers, because some of them are damn hot. Lighten up a bit! Anyway, you should kick back with a big glass of wine in hand and put on Serial Killers and Selfies for the most relaxing Sunday ever!

Me

Series, Flitnex

Everybody’s ready to get hot and bothered all over again for Me’s newest season starring Benn Padgley. Everybody knows that this serial killer is to die for … but not everyone knows that Padgely recently revealed that there will be significantly fewer sex scenes this season “out of respect” for his wife. Talk about antifeminism! What happened to the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few? And so what if he’s a serial killer? He loves these women so much that he is willing to kill for them — I can’t think of many men who would do that! So here’s the deets: what’s hot? Benn Padgley. What’s not? The chastity belt on this season of Me.

Get Lit!

By Eileen Warner

Finally! A serial killer thriller I can see myself in! I would never kill people, but the protagonist Eileen makes it look so … Slay! This is the read for those who love seeing women win and men suffer.

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By Penelope Blossom

I loved all the little recipes! Legally I can’t endorse following them, but reading about the cute vials that Penelope used gives me that fuzzy feeling in my stomach that I haven’t felt from my boyfriend in a long time.

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By Fourniret et al.

The title was off-putting at first, but it’s such an interesting read. It revolutionized the way I pack my trunk, although it weirdly focuses on dead bodies. I guess I’ll be prepared for that situation, but it’s totally hypothetical.

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By I. N. Sells

If you’ve ever wanted to get closer to serial killers, this choose your own romance adventure is here! With multiple endings and plenty of steamy moments, this is a must-have for any true crime buff.