“I’m so confused, I thought hall was spelled with one ‘L,’” asked Macalou.
Photo By Julia Wong
The UCSD community was met with shock last Wednesday after it was discovered that Bonner Hall had been defaced with “almost surgical precision.” Mary Macalou, a first-year transfer student who first reported the vandalism, recalled the event. “I was on my way to Taco Villa to try their ‘Definitely Not Raccoon Meat’ tostada, and thought to myself, ‘There’s no way that’s right.’ I saw it before I ate the tostada, so it definitely wasn’t a hallucination brought on by my most recent bout of food rabies.” said Macalaou from her hospital bed, where she was admitted soon after the incident.
When pressed for comment, Senior Vice Chancellor of the Outside of Buildings Scotty “Scott” Woodson stated, “It is the position of the University that defacement of property is a serious crime, no matter how funny it is or even how much it does or doesn’t exist on this plane of earth. I would also like to take this opportunity to remind all students they can consult the UC San Diego app for updates on approved forms of protest and self-expression, and that any questions about parallel universes can be answered by both the physics and philosophy departments.”
A new forum on Reddit, r/bonersteinbears, has quickly gained popularity since the event. Their mission statement reads: “Nelson Mandela died in a prison in the 80’s, Kazaam was a real movie, and the Lecture Hall sign has been that way for years. What else is Khosla hiding from us?” Professor Jeffrey Katzenfresh, Dean of the School of Theoretical Feelings, recently published a paper on the psychology of this group titled “Schrödinger’s Donger.”
“What we are seeing here is an example of mass hysteria around the Conceptual Phallus Phenomena,” Katzenfresh wrote in the paper. “To state more clearly, the intrusion, or breach of the social psycho-kinetic-consciousness of our studentry, has a distortion or warping effect that leads to regression and rejection and a truly held belief that truly held beliefs are all the rejection needed to lead towards a regression model consonant with the warping effect this has had on the kinetic-psycho-consciousness of our social network.” When asked for a clearer explanation of his paper, Professor Katzenfresh pointed to a sign hanging on his office wall that read: “Screw You, I Have Tenure.”
Members of Citizens Unapologetically Marching have scheduled a protest this Friday in an attempt to keep the new name. Counter-protesters are expected, most significantly from the Churches Holding Onto Decency Everywhere Association, who have had a strong presence at UCSD since The Great Condom Water Balloon Fight of 2017. The religious group is “not protesting keeping the new name, but instead are protesting that the name was ever something else in the first place.” As of this Monday, the sign remains unchanged. “Or,” said Macalou, heart rate monitor erratic, “The sign was never changed, and everything is as it was and as it always should be.”
