RIMAC to Replace All Dumbbells With Shake Weights


Written by: Liv Gilbert

“These weights may suck, but at least I can make a protein shake with them,” said Jim Ratt.
Photo by Millie You

UC San Diego Recreation announced that starting in fall quarter, the dumbbells, barbells, and weight machines at RIMAC will be replaced with Shake Weights, a popular as-seen-on-TV fitness product. According to UCSD Recreation director Miles Runner, the decision to make the significant purchase of over 2,000 Shake Weights was an easy one. “I was watching YouTube videos on my phone while doing my nightly 15-mile run and decided to put on one of those compilations of funny old commercials,” said Runner. “After the one about a kitchen device that I’m pretty sure could burn my house down before even being plugged in, I saw the Shake Weight commercial, and my world changed. I was staggered by the simplicity of it. It nearly made me drop below my four-minute mile pace. After rethinking everything I knew about fitness as the commercial instructed, I knew we had to get some of these for the students.”

Runner plans to remove all of the free weights and machines from RIMAC to make room for the new equipment. Jim Ratt, a student who is in the facility “at least 14 hours a day,” expressed his discontentment with the changes. “How the hell am I supposed to do my inverse machine-assisted banded East German semi-dumbbell elbow presses with this cheap plastic weight with a spring in it?” Ratt said. “If they go through with this, I’ll have to go to Main Gym instead — but that’s like, a half-mile walk from my apartment. That cardio would turn me into a feeble twig by the end of the week.”

According to Runner, RIMAC will not dispose of or donate the old weight training equipment. Instead, Runner said, “We’re going to put all of that useless junk students have been training with into a large box that they can just kind of push around and occasionally kick. It’ll build character.” UCSD announced plans to introduce a new paid fitness program with the box, grouping several students together at a time to cooperatively push, lift, and roll the box as part of a full-body workout class. Students are encouraged to sign up quickly before all openings are filled. 

One student, Anna Robic, expressed their excitement with the new program. “I’m super excited to try this new box thing! So many other workout programs are so complicated and hard to stick to, but this is so simple that I could probably do it in my sleep,” Robic said. “Plus, I’ll be stimulating my mind as well by coming up with really creative ways to push it around. Who would ever want to use a stupid barbell? That’s so 2022.”

In order to fund the upgrade, the recreation fee will be increased by $60 per quarter for the next three years. Ratt expressed his anger with the additional charge. “We humble gymgoers are already some of the most oppressed people in society. Vons is charging $6 for a pack of chicken breasts, and now we need to pay extra to UCSD to have less equipment?” Runner justified the fee increase by stating that shipping and other miscellaneous fees were nearly double the advertised price, which put unexpected strain on the budget, and that most of the Shake Weights would likely break within six months.

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