“I tried to take the bell pepper out of my basket, and three store employees tackled me,” said shopper Anne Flaxis. “I’m allergic!”
Photo by Liv Gilbert
In a slew of online reviews and social media statements this week, UC San Diego students and staff have expressed enthusiastic support for the Housing Dining Hospitality takeover of Price Center’s Sunshine Market. According to HDH representative Beau O’Crattic, the corporation has resolved the biggest setback Sunshine Market has been experiencing since its humble beginnings 50 years ago: it no longer “stifles” customers with the “illusion of choice.”
“In last year’s Student Experience Survey, I wrote that my favorite things about Sunshine Market were its ‘charm’ and ‘comforting ‘70s aesthetic,’” stated Reddit user BigBee4242. “Which is obviously just a nice way of saying that it’s old, run down, and in need of a high-tech upgrade. I’m so glad that UCSD listened and is finally making some changes.”
These changes reportedly resulted from an “instant of philosophical enlightenment” on the part of HDH administration this summer. “I was buying groceries from my local Walmart one day when I was faced with the paralyzing decision of which eggs to buy,” stated O’Crattic in a recent interview. “A simple decision, really, but I stood there for what may have been minutes or hours, or perhaps even days. Because what’s the difference, really? Either way, my life will go on. I’ll buy more eggs next week. I’ll still drive the same BMW to work in the mornings, do the same paperwork, come home to the same kids who hate me, sleep alone in the same bed. I could feel my bones growing heavier and my hair ever grayer. In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter if I buy Great Value or Eggland’s Best? Neither one will bring Alice back.”
The new changes to Sunshine Market were announced in an email distributed to HDH administration the following day: given that “choice is but an illusion” and “the path of life may wind, but this is a mere distraction from the sole, unchanging destination that mustn’t be avoided, but embraced,” the market will now use Amazon Just Walk Out technology and offer the standard items available in other HDH market locations.
“International snacks? Products from small businesses? What the hell do you think we are, some kind of co-op?” said one HDH director, Manuel Oply. “You think people are going to buy candies that were made in someone’s kitchen or something? Novelty items?! Why should we waste an entire shelf’s worth of space on ‘fun little drinks’? You literally have Tapioca Express right there.”
HDH representatives have expressed that with shelves exclusively stocked with PepsiCo, Nestle, and Kraft Heinz products, students will save time and effort that they can instead put toward careers and academics.
With this goal in place, there are even more renovations to come. According to O’Crattic, by the end of the calendar year, HDH will paint all of Sunshine Market’s walls white and install airport-style moving walkways in every aisle, in order to “minimize distractions and maximize efficiency while shopping.” He expressed that “we are especially excited to be teaming up with Meta to install a generative AI bot at the entrance of the market, which will curate AI-generated grocery lists for each customer!”
“I just came in for a midday pick-me-up while they were testing a prototype of the Meta bot,” said fourth-year student Tyler Dovthishet. “One look at me, and it said it could ‘sense what I truly desired,’ whatever that means.” Dovthishet then held up a bag of oat flour. “What EVER, man, I’m not even fazed by this shit anymore. I’m about to graduate anyway. All roads lead to death. What EVER.”
