Written by: Connor Betterly

After the president of the Costco Club generated more school spirit and attendance than any sporting event in the history of UC San Diego by eating an entire rotisserie chicken, UCSD Athletics announced a new direction for the department. “Students’ appetite for entertainment is no longer sated by traditional sports,” said a representative. “If this is what’ll bring Tritons out of their eggshells and rally them together, so be it.”

“Forget D1. We’re in the Chicken Division now, baby,” said H. D. Sanders, head coach of the fried chicken team. In addition to chicken events, coach Soylent Fiend has announced the creation of the Tofu Triathlon in an effort to include vegetarian and vegan students, where tofuthletes compete by eating entire blocks of tofu. However, winners get the honorific “Tofu Titlist” rather than the coveted “Chicken Champion” title.

The response from students has been overwhelmingly positive. “It’s always a cluckin’ good time to watch those athletes,” said student Dave Canes. Indeed, the chicken-eating athletes have become so popular that many students line up to get their autographs after competitions, primarily in the form of greasy handprints or smiley faces drawn with a Costco highlighter.

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