UCSD Dining Hall Hires Skeleton Crew

Written by: Watthew Mare

“The new employees have been really skimpy with the portions,” shared Belmont. “The burritos are bare bones.”
Photo by Julia Wong

Across UCSD, dining halls have struggled with long wait times and a shortage of staff, with some patrons claiming that they “nearly starved to death” while waiting for their food. To resolve this issue, the Restaurants at Sixth College revealed that four human skeleton recruits would started working there this October.

“Desperate times call for supernatural measures,” remarked Matty Silo, Food Services Manager of the Restaurants at Sixth College during a meeting with the non-skeletal employees. “And besides, it’ll be nice to actually see some lively smiles on our employees’ faces instead of the dead expressions I see currently.” When asked by one student employee if HDH could increase wages to make the job more tolerable instead of “relying upon the kindness of the undead,” Silo replied, “Don’t be ridiculous. No wage increase would make this job tolerable in any respect.”

Since the skeletons began working, students have reported seeing slight improvements in wait times, but many still have complaints. “Yesterday I ordered chicken wings. Not only did they take half an hour to make, but upon eating one, I bit into a bone! That was super gross,” reported transfer student Simon Belmont. “These skeletons need to be more careful or they’ll get what’s coming to them.”

However, students are not the only ones complaining. Some skeletons have described the stress and shortcomings of their new jobs. “It’s honestly too much work to handle, just like how my bony fingers can’t handle wet dishes,” said dishwasher Bonny Jangles. “I’m expected to stay more than an hour after my shift ends even though I’m scheduled for the graveyard shift at my second job. And no, my second job is not literally at the graveyard; it’s at 24 Hour Fitness.”

Skelly Tone, a new shift lead for the dining hall and former model at UCSD’s cadaver laboratory, recounted her experiences working for UCSD. “My previous job was a pretty decent gig, except when I noticed a few students weirdly eyeing my pelvis,” said Tone. “At least then students weren’t telling me how to do my job, which is something that really gets on my nerves. Well, if I had nerves, I mean.”

Working longer shifts and dealing with tiresome customers leaves even the new employees feeling undercompensated for their efforts. “For some reason, management has been giving all of us skeletons loads of milk as compensation for having to work overtime,” said busser Jim Reaper. “I think it’s because of some stereotype that we drink milk for strong bones or something like that. It sucks, because I’m lactose intolerant and my rent has to be paid in U.S. currency.”
Despite other skeletons’ frustration, one skeleton has expressed satisfaction with his new job. “It takes a lot of strength and courage and coolness to deal with an intense and important job like this, which is why this job is just right for me!” said Chef Papi Russ. “I also enjoy seeing people try my famous spaghetti. Nyeh heh heh heh!”

UCSD’s administration took notice of the high productivity and low cost of the skeletons and encouraged other on-campus employers to increase employment rates of the paranormal. As of this past week, the Canyonview Aquatic Center has employed three Creatures from the Black Lagoon as lifeguards and swim instructors. Meanwhile, Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has “adopted” a couple of werewolves as “spooky therapy doggos,” and even the Biology department has welcomed Frankenstein’s monster as a lab research assistant.

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