Next Thursday, the biotechnology giant Genentech is expected to release the “long-overdue” version 2.0 of Humanity. The update is said to contain many useful additions, alongside a wide host of bug fixes. “We’ve always thought that the human body has a lot of room for improvement,” said David Davis, the lead researcher for the Human 2.0 project. “For instance, we added an extra joint between the knee and the ankle for increased mobility.” In addition to the base tier, the update will contain additional features for subscribers of Genentech Premium. “For only $29.99 a month, you can add an extra stomach for increased food intake,” said Davis. “You’ll still get fat, though. We couldn’t figure out how to fix that.”

However, the update isn’t just all new features — it also contains a large array of bug fixes. “The human body has always had some major flaws, so we took it upon ourselves to fix them,” said Davis. “One of the biggest things we noticed was that the name ‘funny bone’ is an unfortunate misnomer, so in Human 2.0, hitting it will actually trigger an uncontrollable fit of laughter,” explained the researcher. The update also fixes additional bugs, such as removing eyelashes to eliminate the possibility of them getting in the eye. “We also removed the female G-spot,” stated Davis, adding that “nobody really uses it anyway.”