December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III

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UCSD Announces New Quantum Art Department

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Photo by Amit Roth

Early Wednesday morning, UC San Diego announced the creation of the Department of Quantum Art in collaboration with several private donors. In a statement on the department’s website, Quantum Art is described as “The forefront of art in the modern day, looking at how the smallest differences to your art make the biggest differences in its price. Our mission is preparing artists for success in the real world.” 

“I’m very proud to announce the Quantum Art department,” said Chancellor Khosla. “This department has been in the works for several years now, but with my impending raise, I knew now was the perfect time to get more artists into the Triton community. Thanks to several large tax write-offs, I mean donations, from some of my most wealthy friends, I’m happy to say that UCSD will have a state-of-the-art Quantum Art building by the start of the Winter Quarter.” Several courses planned for the major include QUA 105: Appealing to Rich Tastes; QUA 16: Schrodinger’s Art, The Paradox of Selling Low Effort Art for Millions; and QUA 2: 1D Art in an Infinite Square Well Potential.

“I’m really excited to come to UCSD next year,” said admitted Quantum Art major Erwin Fermi. “I am worried about taking QUA 16 because I haven’t perfected making art that looks simultaneously very low and high effort. Painting a red dot on a white canvas takes some real skill. But, what I am looking forward to is my capstone project being sold for at least $10 million.” 

The senior capstone project that every Quantum Art student must create to graduate has been advertised as “what really separates the department from any other in the nation.” At the end of their senior year, Quantum Artists will have created a portfolio of art pieces from their time at UCSD which will then be showcased in the senior auction. “The most important event in every Quantum Art student’s time here at UCSD will be the senior auction,” explained the head of the Quantum Art department, Niels Sommerfeld Bloch. “Each piece they create will be appraised by one of our juniors taking QUA 99999999999999999999: Assigning Art Value and then auctioned off to a member of the local community. These lucky auction winners will then generously donate the paintings back to the department, where they will once again be appraised by one of our juniors in QUA 99999999999999999999, but for a much larger price. This way, everyone wins.”

Not everyone is so enthusiastic about UCSD’s newest department. “Why do they get to leave college with money in their pockets instead of student debt like the rest of us?” said Visual Arts major Mona Goghlisa Vanvincent. “They don’t call us starving artists for no reason. It just seems like every Quantum Art major is being set up with unrealistic expectations. If they are given such an easy time in college, they are doomed for failure in the real world, when they are faced with real, 3D difficulties.” 

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