Bottlenose Dolphin Brain: A Delicious Cure for Depression?

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Written by: Henry Ashcroft


Food is my passion, it gives my life meaning. While some eat to survive, I seek food in all corners of the world. When the world looms too large, I know I can always seek refuge in the safe haven of a delicious meal. Olivia left me. She took it all: the kids, the money, the collection of rare SPAM flavors. I threw myself into my work despite all warnings. Olivia suggested therapy, but what does she know? My mother suggested that I move back in with her, but I refuse to be that kind of single dad. Obviously, the healthiest way to deal with my degrading family life is to spend 60 days with South Floridian dolphin fishermen, chasing a rare and likely disappointing delicacy.

Prepping Dolphin Brain: Bottlenose Dolphin brain is best cooked over a medium flame, lightly seasoned with saffron, turmeric, and garlic, and served sliced like banana bread. I like to butter each piece with Bon Appétit’s Best Guacamole and gently sink my teeth into the gray matter.

How It Tasted: Memories are stored in the brain, and I witnessed this dolphin’s entire life when I bit into his brainloaf. His name was EEeEee EeeeEe (translated from Bottlenose Dolphin, a language in which I gained fluency after eating his cerebral cortex). His father was brutally murdered by a tiger shark when he was young. Like me, he was raised by a mother on her own. At 19, he met a special dolphin named EeEeEE EeEeeE and fell in love. Together, they raised a pod, and through his memories, I experienced true dolphinhood. I saw calves grow into adults, I swam yearly migrations to the North Atlantic, and when sharks threatened the pod, I saw EEeEee save his wife. Overall, I’d give the taste a 7.5/10.

Wrapping Up: Have I neglected my family? Is my work obsession threatening my pod? How will I get my wife back? All these and more are questions that a broiled bottlenose brain is bound to leave one asking. This meal is a great option for anyone looking to get some low-budget brain food, as dolphins are free to catch in the ocean. A broiled brain is perfect for one and makes a great option for any lunch or depressive episode.

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