Widespread panic was reported in a small suburb outside San Diego this weekend when a “flying, screaming man” fell out of the sky. Sources later confirmed that this was none other than local micro celebrity John “Aristotle Rex” Smith, who made headlines last year after being arrested for breaking into local homes and running headfirst into wardrobes. An in-hospital interview conducted after his “parachuteless skydiving” attempt revealed he originally planned on “manifesting my full power and harnessing the strength of the four winds to soar away from you petty mortals and your problems.” Smith went on to detail his contingency plan should his first flight fail, passionately stating, “The fact that I’m still alive is just proof that the writers won’t let me die. I’m far too important to the plot.”

Smith is known for his other appearances on the local news — namely for his numerous failed attempts at walking on water, which has cost the Coast Guard an estimated 1.2 million dollars in their numerous rescue attempts. When asked about his repeated failures, he replied, “Those terrible reviews are all noise from my talentless critics that have been paid off by the big publishing houses.”