Photo by Amit Roth
Throughout the month of February, several balloons flying over North America were shot down by U.S. fighter pilots. Following these incidents, Goodyear announced that their blimp was grounded indefinitely. “Following the sad occurrences last month where we tragically lost four balloons, gunned down in cold blood by the military, we here at Goodyear cannot justify risking Bertha [the blimp] in these distressing times,” said Goodyear CEO Beelzeebub Tire. “Until the U.S. once again returns to the balloon-loving, beautiful nation I know it to be, Americans everywhere will have to suffer together, knowing that they have had the most essential joy of life — looking up and seeing Bertha soaring majestically over an H&R Block — cruelly stolen from them.”
Several protests immediately broke out following the announcement, calling for everything from a total ban on anti-balloon technology to the firing of every pilot that shot down a balloon. “If you ask me, all U.S. airplanes should be scrapped, reduced to rubble, absolutely obliterated for threatening Bertha,” said protestor Barbal Looniciferous. “There is only one shining light in my life, and the fact they thought it okay to shoot four of them down is absolutely preposterous. If America doesn’t change, and quickly, I fear I will be forced to move immediately to a more balloon-loving nation where people like me are welcomed with open arms, not sharp darts and menacing missiles.”
However, some people welcomed the news of the blimp’s grounding. “When I heard that ugly blimp was being grounded, I was so happy I actually lifted the edges of my mouth in what my close friends called a ‘horrifying grimace,’” said anti-balloon spokesperson Jessa Dandmad. “After years of calling for the government to take action against those useless balls of gas and rubber, the military has finally stepped up against the big guys. But this cannot be the stopping point to our actions. We need to finally rid ourselves of the plague of helium that corrupts every birthday party, or is arched into the horrific, rubber-covered visual gag of an entrance to your worst friend’s baby shower. The military needs to take to the streets, working door to door, dart-gunning down any balloons in sight until finally, this country is secure.”
Dandmad’s anti-balloon endorsement of martial law spread throughout the country and quickly gained the support of many prominent Republicans. “When I first read Dandmad’s speech, it brought a tear to my eye,” said Senator John Hoeven. “Finally, someone was speaking to me and my beliefs. I have immediately introduced a motion to the Senate, so that we can officially go to war against those monstrosities filled with helium and have added a billion dollar ‘balloon destruction’ category to the U.S. military budget. With the entire might of the military behind us, we can once and for all rid America of balloons, and then we hopefully work to free the rest of the world.”
Following the introduction of Hoeven’s call to war, Tire called for an immediate move of the Goodyear blimp to a safer location, saying, “It has become very clear to me now that America is not a safe place for Bertha. Effective immediately, I will be flying her south to Paradise Falls, where she can live out the rest of her life in happiness.”
