“If he can beat Bobby Flay, he can do anything,” voiced one voter.
Photo by Connor Betterly
On Tuesday, February 14, longtime California senator Dianne Feinstein announced that she would not seek reelection in 2024 following her six terms in the Senate. Numerous politicians including Representatives Katie Porter and Adam B. Schiff entered the race to replace Feinstein. However, celebrity chef Guy Fieri surprised millions by announcing his candidacy on his television show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, which he will be rebranding to Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy as the show follows him across California for “campaigning and finding good eats.”
Fieri released a statement following the premiere of Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy, saying, “I want to thank everyone for 16 great years of Triple D, as well as all the incredible restaurants that fed me throughout my time on the show. For all my fans, don’t worry, I’ll still be touring California in my ’68 Camaro and highlighting all of California’s hidden gems. But instead of dedicating the whole episode to food, each episode will be served with a delicious appetizer highlighting my journey to the Senate, whether it be canvassing for votes, learning about the federal government, or taking well-timed photos with disaster relief recipients. I believe this addition will in no way decrease the beautiful flavor of the show at all.”
However, Fieri soon learned that “not all was good in Flavortown” when he submitted his paperwork to officially enter the race. “I was about to file Mr. Fieri’s paperwork when I discovered something amiss,” said election official Donna Tellor. “He had just handed me his birth certificate when I noticed a stain that appeared to be left by marinara sauce, which can only mean one thing. The birth certificate was clearly a fake planted by Italian spies, and Guy Fieri was sent from Italy to undermine the unshakable burgerosity of our great American democracy with his lasagna lies.”
Following Tellor’s discovery, the matter was brought to the attention of the House of Representatives, which immediately launched an investigation into the matter. “The House of Representatives takes these allegations very seriously. So seriously in fact, that I have been personally looking into the matter,” said Speaker Kevin McCarthy. “Viewers can see the full investigation on the next episode of Triple D, where Guy takes me on an all-expenses-paid trip across Northern California to his hometown of Santa Rosa. Over an amazing meal of enchiladas, he explained to me that the stain wasn’t marinara sauce, but in fact blood. What really sealed the deal for me was that he let me drive his Camaro, easily one of the most American cars ever made. I mean, the only vehicle more American would be a M1A2 SEPv3 Abrams tank, but not even I am that patriotic.”
Although Fieri was cleared to run by the House of Representatives, detractors still claim that Fieri’s candidacy is illegal. “There is so much he is hiding from the public,” said concerned citizen Raz Isht. “Not only is he an Italian, but his real name isn’t even Fieri, it’s Ferry! And don’t get me started on his first name. I mean, he might as well be called ‘Dude’ or ‘Man.’ And what is he hiding about his hair? There is no way those tips can stay that frosty in the California heat.”
Fieri addressed concerns about his candidacy on the last episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy, saying, “I know Californians are worried about many things right now, and I just want to come clean about some things. I was born and raised in the U.S. and have lived in California for most of my life. Just because I love to eat and cook Italian food does not make me an Italian citizen. As for those wondering about my hair — this is hard for me to admit, but it’s a wig. For 20 years now I have been hiding my baldness from you all, but I shouldn’t have been ashamed of who I am. From now on I will stop wearing my beautiful, perfect, pristine wig, and instead show California who I really am.”